Such A Rat Race

Just a thought. Correct me if I'm wrong but what is it with Monday mornings that you just have to be early in everything? It's a known and widely accepted fact that being the first day of another hellish week, jumpstarting it right is the best way to go, well not unless you want to cut through the rest of the week feeling not so much alive. It's almost three months since my body clock has been adjusting to a new environment. Personally, I really try to make sense in going to work early and heading out quite late than usual. Ganito ba talaga? I'm not hard to convince anyway, so I ride on life as it ebbs and flows. But as of late, damn, my body is starting to react to the horridness of stress.

But what is stress anyway? I've always been a paranoid person...so when I started feeling the right side of my arm numb...plus the fact that Nelia is still in the hospital...well, do the math and I ended up thinking I may be having an encounter with stroke. I know I sound weird but I did feel the back of my neck aching. I am a very tired woman, I don't know how to stop until that day when I just brought myself to the hospital. The entire day I was feeling dizzy and I was beginning to imagine taking the day off but I couldn't; I just had too much to do. I had to let the day finish before I can drive myself home and go to the emergency room of the hospital. While the doctor was busy scolding the woman in front of me (she was insisting she had a case of dengue when the fact remains that her tonsils were inflammed hence the reason why she had a fever), I was staring long and hard at the nurse taking my blood pressure and praying to God that I am not having a bout of high blood. Well fortunately, mine was still in the range of what we can consider as normal. I just need to find out what causes this dizziness I've been having lately. Looking back, it started a week ago when I was working on a weekend.

So the doctor turned to me, attempted to flirt by suggesting I go to Europe to take a rest (and that came with a wink, mind you) and then asked me about my routine the past couple of days. It remains the same: my average day lasts for about 18 hours and could be a combination of work + pleasure but mostly work and all things that come to play. And doctor's diagnosis? I developed a case of stress-induced vertigo and I was told to take 3 days of complete rest. Bought my meds and the days that came after that I'm always thinking...when will this rat race be over? It doesn't help to know that the age group that I belong to almost always has this kind of condition. Guess it is really that time in my life that I try to make something out of what I am given?

See the thing is, the world is so damn competitive. You just have to be where the action is and at least get a portion of that scene, give it back to your bosses and then pray that it lasts for more than 15 seconds. Something like that. Too much pressure I suppose...and I know I need to take things a little slower this time. Well I attempt to, but I still end up thinking what I need to do...even when I am in bed trying to get some sleep. I'm such a stubborn person eh? I do need to take a rest, a long holiday and recharge all my batteries. But 4 weeks is still 4 weeks; I haven't thought that far yet. Plus I am still reeling from the fact that I couldn't attend the wedding reception of my good friend because guess what? After doing the second reading in his church wedding I gotta go rush to the airport, take the last flight and prepare for a full day meeting the following day. My life is dependent on other people's lives. I am definitely missing out on something here.

But this is what's given to me. Like to whom much is given, much is expected. I can go on and on and on like this but it doesn't change the fact that my health is beginning to be affected. Guess I better take care of myself now more than ever --- that is, if I want to grow old and gray and see Gabe get married and have kids!

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Better Days

I am sooo loving this song right now:

Silver gray hair
Neatly combed in place
There were four generations
Of love on her face
She was so wise
No surprise passed her eyes
She's seen it all

I was a child, oh
About three or four
All day I'd ask questions
At night I'd ask more
But whenever, she never
Would ever turn me away
No, no oh woah
I'd say how can I be sure
What is right or wrong
And why does
What I want
Always take so long
Please tell me
Where does God live
And why won't
He talk to me
I'd say Grandma
What is love
Will I ever find out
Why are we so poor
What is life about
I wanna know the answers
Before I fall off to sleep
Woah ho woah ho

She saw the smile
As she tucked me in
Then she pulled up that
Old rockin' chair once again
But tonight she was
Slightly, remarkably
Different somehow
Slowly she rocked
Lookin' half asleep
Grandma yawned
As she stretched
Then she started to speak
What she told me
Would mould me and hold me
Together inside
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

She said all the things you ask
You will know someday
But you have got to live
In a patient way
God put us here by fate
And by fate that means
Better days

She said, child we are all
Moons in the dark of night
Ain't no mornings gonna come
Till the time is right
Can't get no better days lest
You make it through the night
You gotta make it
Through the night
Yes you do
You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Be patient, oh baby
Be patient

Later that year at
The turn of spring
Heaven sent angels down
And gave Grandma her wings
Now, she's flyin'
And slidin', and glidin'
In better days
And although
I'm all grown up
I still get confused
I stumble through the dark
Getting bumped and bruised
When night gets in my way
I could still hear
My Grandma say
I can hear her say
I can hear her sayin'

You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Child, do you hear me, yeah
Well, well, well, well
You can't get to no, no
Better days
Unless you make it
You got to make it
You got to make it
Through the night
Oh Grandma, oh Grandma
Do you see me now, lady
Oh oh oh oh oh

Be patient. One of the seven virtues we have to imbibe in our quest to achieve whatever dreams and goals we may have. I look at the overall picture of my life and each facet resonates the same thing --- that I be patient and wait for that day. It's hard actually, because knowing how impatient I am, I always have a problem when it comes to waiting. I hate waiting, I hate being late. I make things happen especially when it comes to work but of course you get to realize that you can only do so much and the rest you have to wait it out. But one good thing I have learned is knowing when to stop and stay put. The point of being in a state of steadiness that you can actually see things passing you by. The other day was a highlight in its own right and again, maybe the lifetime has been consumed already. I won't allow myself to become attached to someone and then what? It shouldn't be a one way street; I need to reverse my gear and go back again. There's nowhere to go if what's in front of you is a dead end right?

I wanted to go out last night and catch up with a dear friend but I was too tired to go back to Makati again. I wanted to "celebrate" happiness in what little way possible. Happiness being overrated, what I have isn't something major but damn, it does feel great to be in a highschool mode! He was pulling my leg (I almost fell for his joke!) and was being playful and pilyo --- katuwa to see someone with his profile do things that only boys would do. I did get an invite though, surprisingly and I asked why. Why not? Life, live it. Agree. Quite interesting, especially when you think of the fact that he goes sailing during weekends. Sooo different from the way I live my life --- and maybe that could be a happy problem. In any case, I hope to see him again here in Manila soon...or maybe in Hong Kong in a few weeks' time.

Patience...6 more weeks to go!!! I sooo need a holiday!

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The Simple Life (or the challenge of getting to that)

But what constitutes a simple life? The past few days have been nothing but an experience of wanting to go back to the basics and getting rid of the complications, because anyway, we will end up in the same destination in one way or another. Carpe diem!

After my 7pm meeting I found myself heading to the emergency room of Makati Med (which isn't exactly the nicest place on earth to be in) to be with a colleague who suffered from stroke and aneurysm. Things happened too fast...she was just in the middle of a late afternoon meeting, complained of dizziness and the next thing she knew, she was being wheeled out of the office building and the left side of her body is now numb and she started slurring. In a flash everything can really change...and no matter how much we plan our lives, it may not necessarily turn that way especially when the hand of God comes in. I am now thinking of some "creative" way of how to quit that damn habit of smoking! And more importantly, to manage the stress level that I am dealing with day in and day out. Grabe, in an instant we can really be gone if we don't take care of ourselves.

And then last night at Capones with Miko and Vince, both of them are saying that it really is the simple life that matters the most. I saw Mark in Miko --- magpinsan nga sila! Super bait and extremely nice! He would make it a point to be home during the weekends to be with Angelo (non-negotiable) and he wouldn't take a job outside the country even if given the chance (similar to myself, he would be getting a hold departure order in any case!). On the other hand, Vince, who manages his own content provider in the US, would give anything just to be able to come home more frequently because, as what he said, pampered ka dito eh. Someone will pick you up in the airport, you get home and the maid will bring your stuff in and your dinner will still be warm with that comfy feeling of having home cooked food. I guess it is in the contentment and satisfaction we get that we can only determine if we are living the simple life? I mean, both Miko and myself work in companies that deal with the same customer and we work our asses off...to reach that goal of, as how Miko put it, achieving the 4 rules: eat 3x a day, uminom, make sure your family is happy and healthy and manood ng sine. And when I think about it, it has been a freaking long time since I last watched a movie. As in yung sa sinehan ha. I wouldn't know if I should go watch a movie by my lonesome nang matapos na ang lahat or get that perfect time to do so. Weird diba?! But yeah, simple lang talaga dapat. How to do it is the ultimate question. I am grounding my family background on a technicality that life cannot be that simple --- especially my dad's side because I have a tita who married three times (God bless her soul), countless cousins who changed their last names as frequently as they want to and a lot of other shady characters that would put "simplicity" to non-existence. I mean, is it really a simple life letting a 3 year old girl travel all the way to the US just by herself? Such interesting and funny experiences that comprise the lives of my clan eh? I am beginning to miss my email correspondences with Auntie Jenny.

So how? I'm going to Medical City, visit my newborn niece and be happy over the fact that life is still good and having your own family is the best thing in the world and pray to God that I'd be blessed the same! Ayan! Nang matuwa naman ako kahit papano. Unknown to many, God knows how much color I need to add to my life! It just cannot be work the whole time diba?! Ops, don't wanna be jaded all over again.

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Black coffee, Sandrine, Tokyo, EBF and the Future

Days passed by so fast that it is almost November. And I'm sure November's gonna come by fast enough as well --- and with this comes the season once again! Just a thought.

Right now I've shifted to having my coffee black instead of the usual coffee+cream+sugar. I dunno, I remember Mark telling me that Paolo drinks his coffee that way for the longest time, coupled by the exercises he's been doing to be the very lean person he is now. Not that I am planning to be athletic (or start exercising for that matter!) but I guess this change in the way I do my morning ritual is a good alternative to loading up on sugar. Besides, I need to lose weight! Haha. New Year's eve is just around the corner...me and Jules would need a lot of preparation! So we'll see how it goes.

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A week and a half ago I went to the baptism of Sandrine, my newest goddaughter. Cute little girl with chubby cheeks --- yup just like baby marshmallow cheeks! Gabe is indeed a kuya to a few of my inaanak...but I guess nothing beats having your own girl huh? I was in the train on my last day in Tokyo and I saw this Japanese girl who is just so cute I couldn't help but take a picture of her. Japanese baby girls really tug my heart! They look so lovable with their chinky eyes!

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And so the Tokyo trip is done and over with. Looking back, no matter how tiring it was (meetings ending at 11ish or so), everything was worth it. On top of the business agenda we've covered, I'm glad we were able to tour around and go to places that even our executive consultant hasn't gone to! We went to Matsushima Bay (said to be the top 3 place to go to in Japan) and the view is amazing --- on board a ferry and with close encounters with the seagulls (we fed them with prawn crackers), you would want life to stop right there and then. Think Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity when she boarded a ferry and just enjoyed the calmness the bay brings. Something like that. Yuki-san, our tour guide who is 66 years old and with two grandkids, looked nothing like a 66 year old lola I swear. She is very healthy and giggles like a high school girl which makes her all the more lovable! Her high pitched tone while explaining how to drink Japanese green tea is just so funny I was imitating her and teasing her about it. I guess people in Japan are particularly healthy and strong because of all the walking they do day in and day out (which up to now I am still learning to accept --- at one point my feet nearly killed me!). She brought us to Zuiganji temple as well where we (me and my directors) bought fortune paper based on our blood type and checked what's in store for us for the remaining time of the year. The fortune paper is based on the year 2006 and what it told me is that my work is and will be going well but not much luck in the personal department (asa pa eh no) as this will come in later on. Never mind the latter, I'm all up for new deals and strategic closures!

Riding the shinkansen (bullet train) was an experience itself. First of all, it is very expensive to have that kind of transportation (think PhP15k for return) and since we need to go up north in Tokyo we had no choice but to go via shinkansen. It's nice because they have cars (coaches) that allow you to smoke and you can even reserve your seats. The best thing about it is even if the speed is like 300km/hr you wouldn't feel it. But damn, that ride was fast! Not to mention that the whole time the weather was perfect! Especially in Miyagi and Sendai, my trench coat was the best thing I got.

Overall, great people I've met along the way made the trip more than memorable. Ebisui-san helped me carry my stuff (heavy stuff that is) the whole time we were travelling; Matsuoka-san was totally funny and not your usual Japanese! Such a nice respite. My colleagues from Costa Rica looked more like Hollywood actors even --- Carlos being Brendan Fraser while Javier being Lou Diamond Phillips. Hahaha.

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EBF - who would've thought? Talking to Hazel brought me to time space warp again. I'm not sure if things are still the same but I am quite surprised to see that I wrote something about it (like the entire story). Very cheesy and very sappy! How come life is complicated? I know I make it complex but can't it just be fine and dandy?

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Cut to present tense, the next few weeks to come will be like make or break. But not the end all and be all type of thing but yeah, I would need to again stretch myself and see if we can get it. Work wise that is. But I can't wait for his visit. :) Makes me think of the itinerary na but I don't want to be so eager beaver. I was complaining to him when he called me up because I accidentally deleted the pictures while uploading the pics of last night from my cam. Ugh...Liza would kill me! But anyway, I so want to talk to Hong Kiat na...I want to get his view but of course I'd have to wait for him to come back from his holiday. So while doing so, things are still status quo and I'll go my way.

Damn, this is a blog I know but somehow, I just can't go deeper in my writing yet and put everything here. But yeah, it feels nice having something to read about later on...and maybe laugh at myself for all the idiosyncracies I have!

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Next question please

So glad the past week is over. Taking it one week at a time and enjoying this till it's done.

From heading out of work at way past Gabe's bedtime, to enjoying Belgian beers with colleagues (yep, even with Rod and David!) to brainstorming over at Kipling's, the entire week that was bordered on stretching yourself. You just gotta have that kind of energy to keep up. Quite happy that I was even exchanging Friday night conversation with the MP guy himself. Yahoo.

On a personal note, I got myself a new goddaughter! Happy happy happy :) But the kicker of the week? I love you Kay. Do you love me?

Ano sasagot ko dun? Next question please...

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Ugh...

I just hope it is that time of the month to explain my mood swings lately. But right now...ugh...I feel pissed off over something. Just couldn't point at it yet! It's a good thing today's already Sunday and I could just put this to rest while I anticipate yet another week of being in the rat race.

Pero promise, naiirita talaga ako! I don't know if it's because I hate myself for being affected easily...or maybe I spent the whole day at home and didn't go to Wacat (hence this creative idleness)...but whatever it is, it damn hit some sensitive nerves in me to the point that I just want to call it a night. Ugh! Buti na lang by tomorrow makakalimutan ko na 'to.

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Porch Night

Wait lang, trying to upload this pic earlier but couldn't do so for some reason.

May isang cute dito ng araw nato...bwehehehe

Guess who's projecting? Hahaha

Anyway, went to Porch in BF the other night to hang out with my old buddies from grade school. Nice to see people from way back but the kicker then was boy bastos. I totally wished I never had the chance to meet him! As usual, thanks to Pop na naman...

More thoughts later on...

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Saturday...at work

Not that I am in the office, but, yeah I gotta do some work today. On a weekend, yep. Having just finished our business planning yesterday totally justified my stress level for the past few weeks and I'm sure in the weeks to come. It's not even the bad kind of stress because I normally thrive on it, breathing it day in and day out. That's what's keep me going! The $$$ I need to bring in the next few months is just wild --- I need to deliver, I gotta bring this to the next higher level. Pressure 101 at its finest. But to me, it's all good and I do look forward to the challenges happening along the way. After all, work is the ultimate combination of my professional and personal life, with the latter having some aspects that are but non-existing.
In fact, I spent the afternoon buying some stuff for the two high level execs whom we will be accompanying somewhere by next week. I hope they will like our little token because I surely would want to buy myself one but I guess later on na lang. Got some other priorities I need to focus on. I know things are works-in-progress...sooner or later I do hope I can see the fruits of my labor!

Anyway, some pictures from our mid-year planning. The place is great and can be the perfect venue for those people wanting to hibernate from the world. I surely would go there again given the chance.

And you go to this kind of place to talk about work...why not

With Lisa and Jon

Incidentally, can you imagine that Jon is like a spitting image of (drumroll pls) someone from the past? Yep, this is the blast from the past. He seems to be the missing twin of JJ!

Videoke fever with Jon and Marlon

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Happy Monthsary!

Ok, time for some cheesiness.

Wish I could say happy monthsary to a new relationship, but sorry to burst the bubble but not yet. Not yet. :) It's been a month since I made a move to a new job and so far, so good. It is work that keeps me going and ties me up with a lot of things. But of course, that did not stop me from taking some time to do some idiosyncracies every now and then. In a way, life is getting better for me and I can only pray that I keep the momentum going. I am happy with the new friends I've made and happier that I am still keeping the friends I have from my first job to my previous one. I don't really surprise myself because I've always been the type who remembers to keep in touch. Heck, I do still go out with my friends from grade school!

They say to whom much is given much is expected. And that holds true in my case, especially when it comes to my deliverables. I welcome the challenge and I feel that this can only make me work harder and achieve more. Recently I had the second wave of wanting to go overseas to work and that is part of my short term plan. Just need to finish the damn MBA and settle the personal life that is but forever complicated and shouting for simplicity. To this and a lot more, I can only say cheers! Here's to a bottle of beer for my first month. Life can only get better.

And when I say better, it means being in that kind of disposition when you put an end to things that are hanging; to the things that are not meant to be. It is but a series of events that could no longer move forward, much less beyond. And this soooo applies to certain things in my life that I can just leave it to fate and to God to work their wonders. From my end, I've done my part and nothing more can be done to say that I didn't do my best. It's more of a question of what else do I have to do that I haven't done yet. I am saying goodbye and see you around twice. Two moments happening simultaneously that you wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Or with him. Whatever it is, the fact remains that decisions have been made and growing old does not allow us to make mistakes anymore. I can only hope and pray that damn, I am doing the right thing.

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Saturday mornings

Been a while since I woke up like this on a Saturday. By this, I mean waking up somewhere else, with a view different from what I used to see. Something like that. Very tiring night! I have a different kind of hangover...maybe the kind that makes you think more? Damn...my hands are full from all the other personal stuff I need to settle and now I add something more. Ugh....ganyan talaga ang buhay! If you can't beat them, join them!

The blast that was last night involved Cena, Temple, Cafe Havana and Jill's. Wanted to post some pics pero later on na lang when the whole thing progresses. Haha. Meanwhile:

Wish I can do this everyday. Waking up relatively stress-free and with little noise surrounding me.

What is life anyway but an attempt to enjoy the fleeting moment? Here I go again!

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The Horridness That Is Milenyo

And so the last two days of the week are spent in total blackout; at least as far as Manila is concerned. Lots of trees on the road, billboards crashed and here I am stealing some wireless network available just to check out Julia's pics in Toledo, Spain and see who makes her heart beat a little faster this time around. In a while I gotta go pick Jason up and see where the road will take us. I sure hope Greenbelt is open by now! My social life (or the lack thereof) is so dependent on this blackout-stricken city!

Bad stuff that Milenyo caused: cancelled prezo at work plus the business planning that is supposed to be in Mimosa. Ugh...I could've ticked two things out of my to-do list and now this whole typhoon just prolonged my agony. Well at least regained some energy in the process. Anyway...

Back from Cebu the other day from a business trip. Surprisingly, Rodney seems to be acting just like our age! Haha. Good fun, except for the fact that I was wiped out for the two nights we were there.

Didn't realize I'd get to be in another assembly line after my OJT stint

Ehem ehem...made in the Philippines yan!

With Rodney and Marlon at the poolside in Marriott

Some "slight" effect of alcohol. Bwahahaha!

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Remnants of Ella's Wedding

Was surfing the web and finally threelogy uploaded Vic and Ella's video. Aliw! Ella is a very radiant bride --- for a while I got teary eyed looking at how she walked down the aisle. It's so her!

Fol Rana uploaded also this pic in his blog. Hehe...konting exposure :D

Some artsy shot eh?

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What's going on

Life in pictures.

At O'neal's wedding with baby marshmallow cheeks Marielle. Cute!!!

Gabe's day in DLSZ

Gabe and his buddies goofing around

With the newlyweds...tinding kadurugan na naman

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Ganun talaga

Eh biglang umulan. Dapat pupunta ko sa dati kong opisina para magyosi. Ang kulimlim ng panahon. Siguro nadama niya ang kaguluhan ng buhay ko kaya di rin niya alam kung aaraw ba o uulan. Bakit ganun? Kala ko maayos na ko --- yun pala, sobrang layo ko sa matino. Ni hindi nga ako makapagisip nang maayos, alam mo yun? Sabay ngayon ako matatakot. Ang tanda ko na para magkamali. Magkamali na ngayon kesa sa magkamali after 10 years diba ? Di ako pwedeng magdesisyon ng mali dahil ang dami kayang nakasalalay. Ilagay mo na sa mababaw pero kahit yung paggising ko nang maaliwalas nakadepende yun sa kung ano ba talaga. Ugh!!!

Ang tanong ko lang --- bakit ako napunta sa dati kong kinalalagyan? Ngayon di ko na talaga alam kung ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng pagiging masaya. Ano ba yun? Alalahin ko kaya yung Happiness Within ko, circa 2004? Parang ganun eh. Yung nasa kaibuturan ng puso mo na kahit bangag ka alam mo di mo macocompromise. Ano ang dapat bigyan ng importansya sa napakagulong mundong ito? Hahayaan ko na lang bang lagpasan ako nito --- sa panahon na buhay pa ko --- at piliting ipikit ang mga mata ko sa mga bagay na alam kong totoo? O magpakabayani ako at ipaglaban, tingnan kung hanggang saan at hanggang kelan ako aabot. Yung tipong matira ang matibay? Susmaryosep, been there done that! Magpapakamanhid na lang ba ako? Tutal di ko naman mabawi ang dapat mabawi, ano pang saysay? Yun nga lang bawal ang eye contact. Kasi pag tinitigan mo ang mga mata ko, meron siyang sinasabing totoo. At yung totoong yun ang pinakamatinding bagay. Kung pwede lang magkakatarata ngayong mga panahon na to!

Ang alam ko nung Sunday nilagnat na ko. Tapos nagisip isip. Monday, nangangarag na. Eto na ang Tuesday, after maging mga basang sisiw sa Dela Costa dahil sa ulan, punta kami sa Apo. Pinagalitan ako ng kaibigan ko, sinermonan, pinangaralan at nilagay ang pagiisip ko sa tamang kinalalagyan. Pero ang tanong, hanggang kelan? Eh after 2 hours lang nakita ko sarili ko nasa harap na ng simbahan nakakatulog eh. Alam mo yun? Siguro kasi pag di mo na alam gagawin mo mapapadasal ka na lang talaga. Konti na lang, kasama na ko sa Tuesday club sa Baclaran. O kaya sa Thursday club sa St. Jude. Magpapakadeboto na lang ako haha. Nung Wednesday, nag dinner kasama ang mga Hapon sa Casa Armas. Papunta kami ni Jon sa Greenbelt tapos siyempre kwentuhan habang nagddrive, pinakinggan namin ang Kabilugan Ng Buwan...tamang durog so tamang kwento. Only to find out na it took him 7 years to realize kung sino talaga gusto niya. Hay, ayoko nang ganun, ayokong mangyari yun saken dahil hindi siya nakakatuwa. Nateary eyed sa Cafe Havana because of Mojito o Mojita (di ko namatandaan), kumain sa Rufus sabay hinatid si Marlon sa bahay. By the time dumating kami sa condo ni Jon, wala na kong maskara. Eh ganun talaga eh. Tangina, bakit pa kasi kelangan magproject diba?! Tapos ulitin natin ang nangyari nung isang gabi (hanggang sa mamatay tayo) at nakatulog uli ako sa harap ng simbahan. Umuwi, nakatulog sa sala. May mas pagod pa kaya sa akin? Sabay na kami magpagamot.

Sa Gweilo's kasama ko si Weng at si Coco, sabi ko sa sarili ko kelangan ko nang sabihin. Just like what Tara Holder used to say to me --- we need to pass on the love. Hahaha. Eh isipin ko muna sarili ko diba, kaya ayun. Pinuntahan ko siya, kinausap at narelieve dahil nagawa ko na ang gusto kong gawin. Kala mo madali pero one of those things that I normally wouldn't do. Siguro ganun talaga buhay. Yung inaasam ng mga tao na katahimikan makukuha lang yun kapag wala ng latak sa sistema natin? Walang baggages, wala ng dapat na finifilter. Medyo natahimik na ako at nasettle na. Pero di ako magpapakasanto para sabihin na ganun na lang yun. Well in a way, wala na akong magagawa. Kelangan ko na lang antayin ang panahon na ops, game over, ok na ako.

So sa 4 na araw na lumipas na nakatulog ako sa simbahan, nakatulog sa sala at nasusuka sa kabadtripan, naisip ko dapat finale ang Friday. Buong linggo kaya dumaan ako sa butas ng karayom. Birthday ni Ms Che, tamang usap din with Ms Tiny. Alam mo yung feeling na you want to learn from other people's stories in the hope that you wouldn't be in the same rut as they were before, assuming may mga pinalagpas? Yun lang naman yung katangi tangi kong pag-asa na magkanda leche leche na, ang importante masaya ko at hindi fake. Kaso ang daming tao na di na totoo ngayon eh...so how can I even compete with that? Naisip ko na lang, i-eenjoy ko na lang ang mga lakad ko sa mga susunod na panahon. Wala pa ko sa stage na if you can't beat them join them. Pero medyo malapit na. Haha. Konti pang pilit.

Ang pinakamatindi pa diyan, pinadalhan ako ng bulaklak at sulat kahapon. At tinanong at sinabihan. Ang gulo ng buhay. Kung pwede lang uminom ng gamot para magiba ang ihip ng hangin at magbago ang isip, matagal ko nang ginawa yun. Ano ba ang mali sa akin? Eto lang, kung mali na lang talaga yun ayoko nang maging tama. Nak!!! Talagang to the tune of if loving you is wrong then I don't want to be right. Ay sus. Tapos na ang lahat. May mga tao na na masaya na ngayon. Ang tangi ko na lang masasabi ay sana nga. Sana nga masaya na. Nang matahimik na ang dapat matahimik. :-)

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Catching up with my life

I wrote a damn long entry and it disappeared. Punyeta! Need a smoke break!

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The Soundtrack of my Life

"I've been thinking about this...Well, I always kind of wanted to write a book that all took place within the space of a pop song, you know, like 3 or 4 minutes long. The story, the idea is that...there's this guy. And...he's totally depressed! I mean, his great dream was to be a lover, an adventurer, you know, riding motorcycles through South America, and instead he's sitting at a marble table, eating lobster, and he's got a good joband a beautiful wife, right. You know, everything that he needs. But that doesn't matter, 'cause what he wantsis to fight for meaning.You know, happiness is in the doing, not in the...getting what you want. So, he's sitting there, and just at a second, his little five year old daughter hops up on the table. And he knows thatshe should get down 'cause she could get hurt, but she's dancing to this pop song, in a summer dress. And he looks down, and all of a sudden,he is sixteen. And... his high school sweetheart is dropping him off, at home. And they've just lost their virginity, and she loves him, and the same song is playing on the car radio, and she climbs up and startsdancing on the roof of the car. And now,now he's worried about her! And she is beautiful, with a...a facial expression just like his daughter's. In fact, you know, maybe that's why he even likes her. You see, he knows he's not remembering this dance, he's there. He's there in both moments simultaneously. And just like for an instance, all his life is just folding into itself and it's obvious to him that time is a lie...that's it's all happening all the time and inside every moment is another moment, all...you know, happening simultaneously. And, that's kind of the idea... anyway." --- Jesse, Before Sunset

The idea that inside every moment is another moment and they're both happening at the same time is just sooo real. Last night I was listening to my brother's MP3IO and in an instant I was surrounded with all things that have happened in my life for the past couple of years and how I got to be at this point. Of course doing that while I'm rubbing Gabe's back and he's sleeping and snoring.

It's silly you know? You go through the directory of mp3s, check the categories and you browse. Hmm...modern rock? Pop acoustic? My comfort zone RnB? Wedding songs, how about that? The fact that I can choose which song to listen to can actually make me choose which episodes in my life I would want to remember. But knowing me, I'd remember them all given the chance. Why not? Life is all about the hits and misses isn't it. You mess up and get up and pray that you could turn out to be a better version of yourself in between.

Listening to KCi and Jojo's This Very Moment very well transports me back to my crazy 2004! I swear to God...there really are songs that you associate to certain people who have that impact in your life. Whether significant or otherwise is immaterial as it can be very subjective. Makes me wonder...what happened to him...and after 3 minutes...I listen to Norah Jones and highlights of 2003 come flashing in my mind. Sergio Mendes, Peter Mayer, Oasis, Earth Wind and Fire...damn...definitely are music to my ears.

If my life was a movie, the soundtrack would have to be...(abangan). :D

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What's Done is Done

After a crazy week, I'm finally regaining my energy. The past week has been busy struggling to get into the mood of turning over my work load, studying for my two finals and at the same time waking up sane to another day. Fortunately, what's done is done and I don't have to go back to this week. But of course, the weeks ahead are all toxic in their own right, which can only mean that I will cross the bridge when I get there. Jusme, one at a time naman.

Had a farewell session with my colleagues at Red Box. The brother rocks!

Ms Che missing in the pic

With a visiting ex-colleague, TK. Competitors now :D

Minsanan lang to eh. Bwahahaha

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In a sentimental mood

As if this is unusual! I'm on the last stages of getting my (personal) stuff out. Damn. I'm beginning to have this funny feeling of missing the people I've been with for the past three years! Since I am still in the office and decided to take my accounting finals next week, having this free time makes me feel the detachment that is bound to happen soon. And I allowed myself to reel in this emotion because next week is THE week.

Remembering when I first started out here, I begin to be caught in the moment when I first went to Singapore and all the firsts that followed thereafter --- losing our way in Japan (Karl and myself), holidaying in Taiwan and staying at our CD's condo, driving up to KL and so many other things. I have about three boxes of anything SingTel-ish to bring home that would always give me so many fond memories. If we don't start talking about work, my stay here has been very very good. How can I just not miss everything?

SGO Colleagues, Singapore March 2004

Despedida for John, Bora Bar May 2005

Hala...cge!

HK's birthday, Jill's July 2005

Kick Off Meeting, Malaysia April 2005

A lot of other pictures would have to be put here to serve as a reminder of the endless possibilities. But life goes on and sooner or later, we will all see each other around :)

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A Happy Problem

And so the inevitable had to happen. I was relieved that he was happy for me, considering that my move can equate to what we call a huge turnover (all is relative by the way). But in any case, I decided not to attend the dinner. What's a futile exercise for anyway?

I googled for inspiration on what I can see regarding a happy problem but found this (which doesn't answer the question). What to do? I am stuck here until God-knows-when (seriously, when they say 30 days notice, you better take it literally) and yet my future has already been making plans for me. Talk about being torn. If these were men, it would've been easier to handle. But my life till end of the year is at stake (I should be getting x3 by early September dammit!) so I need to decide wisely. My mentor is waiting for me at home and I'm trying to "celebrate" the things that transpired a while ago here at the office, looking at my area with a tug in my heart, with a feeling that this has been my home for almost three years. A LOT has happened in this freaking office and I'm not even talking about order processing or hitting the quota. I guess there really comes a time when people move on and we can only hope and pray that it's a move going forward.

I have to get out but I can only do so within a specified period of time. And the other one wants me to go start strutting my stuff with the very same people I'm working with right now! Beat that. So how? I'm so at a loss. Such a happy problem eh? If only life was this simple.

The little girl in me is so dependent on her daddy on how to go about this. Maybe even as if we mature and grow up, what our parents say will always matter right? God I'm just happy I still have my mom and dad with me! Our evening sessions always make my day. Marunong na ko makinig ngayon!

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I'm Off

Today is a very remarkable day. After 6 months, I finally got something I can run to (haha --- that just sounded like an emotional escape). Was eyeing a different destination before but Mother Nature has her ways of pulling me back...and I will still be here (as what my personal life dictates so). Anyway, yipee! It took my headhunter 6 months to find me and only spent 2 weeks to iron everything out. As what they say --- it's a perfect fit; time can be at your side sooner or later.

While talking to my dad about this, he was in his usual element of imparting to me the wisdom of a mentor to his protege. He's definitely my mentor and I am his protege. I'm so always a work in progress!

DJC: Boss, I'm resigning. Effective two weeks from now.
Fictitious Boss: What? Our standard notice is 30 days. Follow the rules.
DJC: Oh don't stress me out anymore. I might get sick.
Fictitious Boss (thinks to himself): Fuck the sick leave.

Bwahahahaha. My dad's humor is great; not so surprisingly my youngest brother got that from him.

It's going to be a tough two weeks (or so, depends) for me from now on. Need to finish all my deliverables and turn over so that the past will not hunt me anymore (which, by the way, is so un-Kayish). I need to make a smooth transition and welcome my new beginning. Yahoo! I can't wait. Since I have not heard from the other side of the world (how can two people from different time zones leave at almost the same time and not do something about it?), bet I should just forego my HK trip end this month and go on with my life as planned.

But whatever it is, I am truly excited. I'm so happy for me!

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Almost There

Just finished an afternoon meeting on what could be yet another beginning for me. Sometimes I ask myself, must we really get out of something in order to start anew? Aren't we able to start anew while we are in the middle of it, without necessarily undergoing certain changes? I guess so. Otherwise, how to start all over again if the limitations are right smack in front of you and we are unable to go beyond that? We all make a move sooner or later anyway.

In any case, I am sooo excited! Getting out is something I don't normally do, although I'm so conscious of being in the comfort zone. A lot of times I've seen people grow old in whatever it is that they are doing only to end up in an equilibrium; a maintenance of sorts that neither growth nor the lack of it can wake up their senses. Then again maybe it is a matter of contentment? Maybe my hands are just full right now what with all the obligations I have to fulfill --- it's overwhelming. And that (at the very least) is what keeps me going.

We'll see how this goes. But yeah, I'm smiling. :-)

Arigato Gozaimas! Haha.

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Friday Musings

Decided not to go to work today. Everything is just blah.

Clive went on to hand his resignation letter but I haven't exactly heard of the details yet. It really doesn't help to know that a lot of your colleagues are leaving and all for the same reason. Well yeah, somehow, we have all the same underlying issues why we all want to move on. I just hope I get to do the same sooner than I think.

I figured things will be better when I see myself in everything that is new. You know? New people to talk to, new environment to be in, new things to do. But until then, all I have is that wishful thinking. Damn, how I long for that moment! Somewhere in between I gotta fast track what needs to be fast tracked.

It's my dad's birthday today...and as usuall, birthdays make me nostalgic --- if not even melodramatic. Haha! My old man is the coolest I tell you --- while I drink my issues away, he is just there listening to me and amusing me with stories from his 56 years of experience. Life is great and only now that I love my family even more. After all, who stands by you when the going gets dark?

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It helps

Ahhh...the beauty of poetry.

I love the little by little part. Sure it connotes time and healing, and to me there is movement...until all else is lost and empty. I guess when you attempt to forget someone, you should attempt to forget everything about them. Like you could only look back with bittersweet memories.

The horridness of it all --- if only I have amnesia!
But yeah...I'm feeling better this time around.

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If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn
at my window,
if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail toward
those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day, at that hour,
I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But if each day, each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live
it will be in your arms without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

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Her (Broken) Heart

Or better yet, a haiku for those who are lost:

World is vast, scary
Empty days and empty nights
She can't wait no more

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Ng Hwee Boon

She used to be the CD of US for around 2 years and I've never met her at that time. After which she was heading Julia's team back in Consumer before transferring to SGO.

A few months back, she moved to our department and my boss started reporting to her. The day I met her...damn...she's one of a kind. The perfect vision of what I wanted my mentor to be like --- cool and at the same time involved with my work...basically someone I can talk to casually yet work with full blast. But of course, that's the scarcity we have in Manila. She wanted to have Tiger when we were in the karaoke bar; but hesitated because Masagos was right beside us. Well, Masagos is just the CEO of SGO...why not. Bwahahaha.

Sadly, she's leaving. Damn it...I wanna join the bandwagon! Guess there really is more to life than this. Heck, I don't want to spend 20 years in the industry and then decide to smell the flowers or maybe sing a song! I wanna do it now! Or maybe do it both at the same time. Or do them all at once? I don't know. All I'm sure of is I need a fucking change. After all, life is short.

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At 28

Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again. --Menachem Mendel Schneerson

A birthday asalto dinner...New York cheesecake...choco mocha crunch cake...a birthday card...a shopping spree... flowers...a cashmere shawl...celebrating your birthday is just damn good! Add to that the fact that my birthday week is all about shabu shabu --- I swear I've never seen so much soup in my life! Hahaha.

With Isha at Cantonese Kitchen

SingTel minus two

With heavy rains flooding the city by Wednesday night, I decided not to go to work on Thursday. Mark picked me up, went to Rockwell (birthday present...yahoo!!!) and had another shabu shabu session over at Mini Shabu Shabu.

Yummy!!!

Waited for the clock to strike at 12 midnight after which Mark had to ask me to go get him some tea (style!!!) and to my surprise when I came back, he was lighting the candle on my birthday cheesecake! How sweet is sweet?

Woohoo...bente otso!!!

And a surprise from the mail...

Thanks Jogo!

Who wouldn't be excited on their special day? I've always loved birthdays and as a way of changing my world, I decided a long time ago to keep track of the birthdays of the people in my life. From grade school friends to friends in my MBA classes, it really does make a difference if you remember and do not forget. It does for me, especially that I keep a list of the people who didn't forget to greet me. To the ones who did, well...next year na lang. Haha.

I guess the highlight of my birthday is this simple one: that of spending it with my family. Surprisingly, this is the first time we actually went out (and together with Mark at that...nak!!!) as I have always spent my birthday with my friends either partying or partying (take your pick). This year is such a refreshing change!

Shabu shabu isn't really one of my favorite things on earth.

How priceless is priceless?

I had a happy celebration...and all for the right reasons :-)

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Me...Delinquent

Damn...it's been what...almost a month? Almost a month of not updating this virtual journal I have created to supposedly keep track of what's happening in my life. Ugh...but the joys of blog surfing just keep me so hooked that I forget to update mine! Hahaha.

I am a better version of myself these days. I feel like the certainty and the clarity I need are around the corner already. At times I can see them lurking around! Pray and keep your fingers crossed...it's been quite sometime that I am learning the ropes of the vicious cycles life can sometimes be made of...

Kinda not uneasy anymore but more of at peace...taking things one at a time and just catching up with whatever life is giving me.

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JOSE GABRIEL NICOLAS C. JAVIER

As we have proceeded to change his last name sometime May (in prepartion for his schooling at Zobel), here's his first day in a bigger school.

Yes, I hear you. My boy is a spitting image of his dad. I just had to say it for the nth time. Hahaha.

Sizing up the territory...

Gabe with his best bud Matthew goofing around while on the way home

With Gabe now requiring early morning attention, my body clock has suddenly changed from the anything-goes to the straightforward, routinary mode. His bedtime is strictly at 9pm and I'm happy to note that he's disciplined about it! Even my folks were surprised that he would turn the TV off a few minutes before 9 and even if we jokingly coerce him to stay up and watch Dino Thunder on cable he would profusely refuse. Hahaha...kids like Gabe make me inspired to be disciplined myself! It's quite challenging though if I get home late because of MBA class (and otherwise)...I feel like I'm a ghost when I wake up at 5am! The sleepyhead in me goes about the motherly duties silently while trying to wake up the senses with the help of cigs.

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VENTOSA ROCKS!!!

Ventosa, or moxibustion, is the typical tanggal-lamig in Filipino culture. I was hesitant for the longest time as I have an idiosyncracy of not being at ease if it's done at home (Gabe and his playing around makes the whole exercise kinda futile). My mom and my sister are all thumbs up about it, however, I feel that it looks kinda funny!!! Hahahaha. My first moxibustion was done while I was studying for my Finacc midterms --- of all the time!

Here's what it looks like:

Now that pic above doesn't look quite good does it? To me it's seems more like a witchcraft that an anti-stress technique!

Here is me...my first Ventosa session!

I am definitely a stressed woman. Ironically, while doing an exercise that cuts down on stress, here I am studying trying to ace my accounting exams!!! Forgive the OC woman in me. And forgive the fact that my Lolo loves Lily's peanut butter and I had to contend with the peanut butter glasses while doing this session! Hahahaha!

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Dazed and Confused

To add more to the confusion I am currently in...choices, choices, choices. What to do?

===========================

What is it about you Kay that gets me thinking and sets me all flustered and excited to go to school everyday to check if you’ve mailed… I have many question marks upon my head and I don’t necessarily need the answers. Like I’ve said before, I conversed more intellectual issues with you, within that 24hours than I did with Ms Chen in that one year we had. Bottom line is Kay, I’ve realized that I’m just very physically attracted to her and that’s about it. Just failed to see the bigger picture about life and the kinda person I wanna have by my side when I'm all grey and wrinkly and yet laugh about all the youthful past that we had. I need to go beyond that skin deep level. Its 150am right now. Joined some frens at a karaoke night club… those with women that sit with u. Was my superficial self, but i'ts all an empty shell in me. Had a superficial chat with the gal who sat with me. Didn’t do anything… a fact that I'm ok with and something that my frens didn’t approve. But what the hell…they do understand. Its freaking 155am and the alcohol in my blood stream is expiring… I’ve yet to say how I feel about you… I can’t really tell right now until we meet up again. You are a really gorgeous girl with an exquisitely beautiful heart and mind and I see myself as lucky to have a connection with you. Honest to goodness, I'm not trying to butter u up… it’s a fact as far as I’m concerned.

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I apologize. I'm doing it all over again. It's just that I've never seen you like this before, and it just got me thinking, you know? What if something did happen and we'd never see each other again? And I-I never got to... So in yet another classic maneuver to avoid emotional intimacy, I wrote my feelings down so that I could write them to you, thereby eliminating embarrassing eye contact... I'm not good with my words when I'm around with you. I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin; I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the man of your dreams masquerading as your friend. Sometimes I want to rip off this facade like I did the last time, but I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away. So I decided that it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings. All my life I've learned that there are two types of man. The ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me because I think you're worth the wait. I guess that's my way of saying that you mean a lot to me, Kay. And I know it's not very eloquent... ...but I guess some people are just better with words than others.

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I've been stuck in this rut for quite a while now. And I'm not doing anything about it. In the absence of any clear-cut direction and certainty and clarity. My personal life is hazy nowadays --- a lot of smoke and I just gotta wait for that time until everything falls to its place. But I'm bad...at times I think I compromise their emotions by just letting myself be...not having "the talk" and not letting them in on what is my emotional dilemma at the moment. But do I owe them that? Part of me is scared, part of me is hesitant because maybe there are other better things in store for me? I don't know! I can't decide. I can't risk. Too scared. Kinda getting ancient in this risk taking business that I thought I was used to for the longest time. I am a lost woman...a very lost woman treading in dangerous grounds. One minute I will have the focus I am looking for only to lose it the next time around. I guess that's why my friend isn't really supportive of all the moment rubbish? But that is the only way to live life in this crazy world right? Who knows if it is still with you the following day? Damn it. I try to enjoy what I am given and I end up so freaking confused to the point that I do not know what to do next and I just be quiet and be still and let the world pass me by. I am so going in circles! Ugh!!! You don't get to be almost 28 years old and be this way right? God must have his reasons.

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The Consistent and The Constant

Ok. Enough about those fleeting moments. I guess it's high time to give consideration to the people who stay in our lives isn't it? At least those who try.

Probably what my sister told me kinda made me think. Yeah...why not?

Maybe that's why women wait to see if men would actually call you after saying that they would...and maybe that's why relationships are just hard to maintain these days. It's either one of them decides to go or they are just in it for the wrong reasons. But I am in the middle of figuring out why some do stay...and why are they there in the first place...trying to be naive and innocent and unassuming because you never know...you never know if you are going to get hurt all over again! And maybe because I can only know in good time right? Damn the time element!

I just always find myself back to square one. How to go way beyond this...ugh!!! Of course, the Kay-ish in me would always say what the hell --- you gotta do what you gotta do...enjoy what is given to you.

Double ugh!!!

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New Set of Discoveries

So how? Went to KL a week and a half ago and all I could say is that again...one of life's mundane moments in letting you know that there is beauty in the kind of world we live in. Sometimes though it all gets momentary and fleeting but so what? We cannot control what could happen next and to play it well --- we just gotta deal with the cards we are dealt with.

Driving up to KL :D

Welcome to KL! With Guo Wei and Jules

My favorite Bakuteh dish...love it!

Partying at The Loft

So Jay Jay gets lucky...

While Logan waits for his turn...

With my sista-partner-in-crime Julia. One of a kind!

With our dear Guo Wei...

A BB moment right there...

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