Dazed and Confused

To add more to the confusion I am currently in...choices, choices, choices. What to do?

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What is it about you Kay that gets me thinking and sets me all flustered and excited to go to school everyday to check if you’ve mailed… I have many question marks upon my head and I don’t necessarily need the answers. Like I’ve said before, I conversed more intellectual issues with you, within that 24hours than I did with Ms Chen in that one year we had. Bottom line is Kay, I’ve realized that I’m just very physically attracted to her and that’s about it. Just failed to see the bigger picture about life and the kinda person I wanna have by my side when I'm all grey and wrinkly and yet laugh about all the youthful past that we had. I need to go beyond that skin deep level. Its 150am right now. Joined some frens at a karaoke night club… those with women that sit with u. Was my superficial self, but i'ts all an empty shell in me. Had a superficial chat with the gal who sat with me. Didn’t do anything… a fact that I'm ok with and something that my frens didn’t approve. But what the hell…they do understand. Its freaking 155am and the alcohol in my blood stream is expiring… I’ve yet to say how I feel about you… I can’t really tell right now until we meet up again. You are a really gorgeous girl with an exquisitely beautiful heart and mind and I see myself as lucky to have a connection with you. Honest to goodness, I'm not trying to butter u up… it’s a fact as far as I’m concerned.

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I apologize. I'm doing it all over again. It's just that I've never seen you like this before, and it just got me thinking, you know? What if something did happen and we'd never see each other again? And I-I never got to... So in yet another classic maneuver to avoid emotional intimacy, I wrote my feelings down so that I could write them to you, thereby eliminating embarrassing eye contact... I'm not good with my words when I'm around with you. I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin; I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the man of your dreams masquerading as your friend. Sometimes I want to rip off this facade like I did the last time, but I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away. So I decided that it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings. All my life I've learned that there are two types of man. The ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me because I think you're worth the wait. I guess that's my way of saying that you mean a lot to me, Kay. And I know it's not very eloquent... ...but I guess some people are just better with words than others.

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I've been stuck in this rut for quite a while now. And I'm not doing anything about it. In the absence of any clear-cut direction and certainty and clarity. My personal life is hazy nowadays --- a lot of smoke and I just gotta wait for that time until everything falls to its place. But I'm bad...at times I think I compromise their emotions by just letting myself be...not having "the talk" and not letting them in on what is my emotional dilemma at the moment. But do I owe them that? Part of me is scared, part of me is hesitant because maybe there are other better things in store for me? I don't know! I can't decide. I can't risk. Too scared. Kinda getting ancient in this risk taking business that I thought I was used to for the longest time. I am a lost woman...a very lost woman treading in dangerous grounds. One minute I will have the focus I am looking for only to lose it the next time around. I guess that's why my friend isn't really supportive of all the moment rubbish? But that is the only way to live life in this crazy world right? Who knows if it is still with you the following day? Damn it. I try to enjoy what I am given and I end up so freaking confused to the point that I do not know what to do next and I just be quiet and be still and let the world pass me by. I am so going in circles! Ugh!!! You don't get to be almost 28 years old and be this way right? God must have his reasons.