New Set of Discoveries

So how? Went to KL a week and a half ago and all I could say is that again...one of life's mundane moments in letting you know that there is beauty in the kind of world we live in. Sometimes though it all gets momentary and fleeting but so what? We cannot control what could happen next and to play it well --- we just gotta deal with the cards we are dealt with.

Driving up to KL :D

Welcome to KL! With Guo Wei and Jules

My favorite Bakuteh dish...love it!

Partying at The Loft

So Jay Jay gets lucky...

While Logan waits for his turn...

With my sista-partner-in-crime Julia. One of a kind!

With our dear Guo Wei...

A BB moment right there...

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For Better or For Worse...I Do

Weddings. There really is something in weddings that strikes the emotional chord in me providing that much needed (im)balance to see the world from a different angle. Because as we get older, we tend to be jaded and wary of all the good things that can go our way. But attending weddings and being drawn to the serenity of the celebration to signify the union of love is another story. To me it connotes that at the end of the day, what matter most is being with someone, through thick and thin, as we journey the life given to us by the one above.

It was picture perfect. For a relationship that was 7 years long, marriage is what's next. And the fact that I went there with Mark and Gabe is truly monumental...although at one point it was kinda scary --- and forgive me when I wouldn't even begin to think of the latter.

Like Father Like Son --- undeniably!

With the newlyweds

More importantly, it was good having to see a very dear friend from way back. Got me to thinking of how precious friendships are as we get older. We learn from our mistakes as we move on and seeing her once again is enough to remind me of some of the best days of my life. It would've been perfect though if our other friend attended the wedding. But as well know, life ain't perfect --- you lose some, you win some :)

That was three years ago. Damn...it's been that long.

With Jill :D

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6 Weeks And A Broken Heart

I should be jailed for doing what I just did today. I broke the heart of a very good man.

I feel so bad. For the past few weeks I was reeling from the craziness of what love can do to me. Got the newness I was asking for and yet somehow, all of a sudden, I woke up one day looking for it and found it to be gone.

I have consumed his lifetime in mine.

Thought about the purpose of him in my life and mine in his and I guess he came for a reason. With him I have realized that I'm indeed capable of newness and surprisingly, able to move forward with what has happened in my life. It is all about fleeting moments. People come and people go. If we're lucky, some stay. Otherwise, we make do with the things given to us, move forward and cherish all things between. After all, our existence is but a composition of different lifetimes put together that can only get stronger and wiser in good time. In the absence of anything concrete, I try to see it on a nostalgic point of view. That at least for a moment, I could say that it was mine...and love was something I welcomed with open arms.

But kill me. Kill me for breaking his heart. Damn damn damn.

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Musings on a Sunday Night

Yep...Sunday night and while in a state of reflecting on the things that have transpired, I light another cigarette to gather my thoughts. I finally got Gabe's pics on his birthday...

My little boy is 6 years old already!!!

Having fun with his school buddies...

Gabe acting up because he doesn't like singing happy birthday twice...hahaha...

***

A late encounter Friday night made me realize that people do not change, well not unless they really would want to.

And that men who are insecure are just *blah*

And that a good and sensible conversation is always tops on my list...

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A Blast from the Past and A Peek into the Future

So I went to my girlfriend's office, had lunch and talked about silly stuff over tamarind soup and chicken teriyaki (and don't forget the carbo load --- ugh!!!). A guy (who used to be special) from not so long ago joined us and the conversation was of course limited to what can be informed to him and the rest of the nitty gritty was confined within the walls of the loo. I swear I love my girlfriends.

He still looked the same, although the hair was definitely shorter and the looks of the other people in the office seemed to convey that they knew what went on and they were waiting of what could happen next. I thought he looked thinner as well, or maybe he was just used to wearing tight fit shirts that shouted like his social calendar is filled with regular visits to the gym.

He said hi and the next few minutes were all about throwing a knowing smile and a stolen glance and I couldn't understand how come he cannot utter any other word aside from the usual greeting. He looked like he wanted to tell me something and I was eager to hear it (in person) straight from the horse's mouth. But I guess he couldn't muster enough strength that the whole time I was beside him he just doodled and explained to me how we can do some voice traffic for their company. Oh and I saw some scribbles of my name too. I felt like I was with a high school junior...trying to invite a girl out but couldn't just get through the motion. I allowed myself to remember the things that happened almost a year ago and I couldn't help but feel that another shot at this would mean another chance to be silly and stupid all over again. He's nice and all but somehow...it's not the same anymore.

Cut to present tense, I go to work and see someone giving me my breakfast and we eat the table and share the moment and talk about the previous night. I see someone squashing me so tight and planting kisses on me and professing the magnitude of his love for me. I smile and remain quiet and enjoy all that happens before my very eyes. A few heartaches ago I was longing to be with someone who can take care of me and accept me for who I am. I bring myself back to the now and see my power breakfast staring back at me. I look up to him and flash him a smile of surrender. Somehow, my heartaches had that power to bring me to where I am right now. And his love gave me a new life...like a second (or third or fourth, we never get tired don't we?) lease in what I thought was a finished chapter. He is the true difference between men who love you with their leery looks and those who claim they do with their false prophecies.

I sit back and wonder why. Then I remember that there is a God.

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Me Slacking Off

Ok. This is really utter boredom hitting me at this very hour but can you blame me? This has been a wonderful and refreshing hobby of mine for the past what --- a month or so? I am totally slacking off and need to get things going if I still intend to do something fruitful in the course of my natural life. Somehow, slowing things at work makes me happy --- it is indeed a guilty pleasure and a sweet revenge to the issues I've been dealing with, at least as far as my professional life is concerned. I go to work with no routine and no planned agenda at all...not counting what to have for breakfast though --- something that I've been used to doing :D

I surf blogs, check my mails (you never know when your next interview is coming up!), give myself a daily dose of my playlists and go talk to friends over at my messenger. It's mundane really...but there's good feeling that comes with it in doing something totally (un)productive. The pressure builds up as I see my workload increasing day in and day out until I finally realize that I need to spend how many sleepless nights just to clear my mails and tie all loose ends. The glamour of international work at its finest!

And it makes me check the clutter here in my laptop --- the personal files I've stored are obviously shouting for some storage and backup --- something I haven't done last January. I read some old mails, looked at some pictures and remembered the fleeting moments I've encountered. I swear, I will really die if my hard disk crashes to death and I don't have anything to bring it back. My memory can only retain so much!

So while I'm waiting for the energy to send the next email, I see this. Nothing major, nothing fancy...it just turned up when I googled for things to do when you are slacking off at work. Hahahaha. At least I am not out there messing on somebody else's personal life!

Blame it on the season, blame it on the office environment, I am just so lazy to work.

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Just Like Heaven

Ever felt what it's like to be in heaven? Impossible, not unless we're way up there but maybe in this lifetime I was quite close to it...just recently. The little high school girl in me is very much satisfied, happy and at peace :-) What a wonderful world this is! Now if only I could turn back the time...

It makes me remember, ironically, how I was two years back when the craziness hit me. Suddenly, I found myself driving in the middle of the night to some place I haven't been for the longest time. It was a spur of the moment thing and no one could stop me. We talked and enjoyed the rest of the night for reasons only God could understand. We were brought together by our different circumstances and somehow there was a common thread that linked us. And what do you know, I was driving again back to the very same place the following day. God must have an explanation.

Part of me wants to leave the place that I am in so I could start anew. Start it fresh without having anyone giving me that kind of look that indirectly says "why???" Not that I've been getting that but maybe I just don't want to provide that avenue. I want to get out, I want the two of us to get out, better ourselves and come back. So many dreams, so little time. I want to call out to Shaider and get that time space warp moving. Move it fast please!

But of course, at the end of the day, I can only do so much. I go back to square one and tell myself that life is all about moments --- like each day, each hour is a lifetime on its own and we must treasure it while it is still with us. Thankfully, my prayers at night help me so much in welcoming the new day with a smile.

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Rumi-ing

Whoever Brought Me Here Will Have To Take Me Home
by Jelaluddin Rumi

All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea.My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there.
This drunkenness began in some other tavern. When I get back around to that place, I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile, I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary. The day is coming when I fly off,but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice? Who says words with my mouth?
Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul? I cannot stop asking. If I could taste one sip of an answer, I could break out of this prison for drunks. I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way. Whoever brought me here, will have to take me home.

"...out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there's a field. I'll meet you there". - Rumi

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Questions, questions and more questions. No answers yet but I guess all in good time. I am just but going with the flow and trying to enjoy it as much as I can. I prayed for newness and God gave it to me. Didn't realize it was this soon but I'm not complaining. Love is a gift. What to do when you are given that? Do you refuse it or accept it? It's not something you get to have everyday...and it's not something you have forever either (if you're not that lucky I guess). Maybe I am prolonging the so-called agony for my selfish reasons just so I am not caught off-guard, unaware. Or maybe I am giving myself time to think things over. But the bottomline is, I've told myself that it is not my focus right now --- after a frustrating relationship, it definitely is not something I would look for again. But the world surprised me and I am left bereft and numb.

Oh the horridness that comes with it.

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My Poetic Justice

The circle widens mostly on a superficial level and the real ones are hard to come by. But sometimes you get lucky. So you keep what you treasure the most - family, friends and moments gone by. One end is thankful and the other is hopeful. And you wish then that all things between can be heard by the one above with the prayers you say at night. Happiness is a journey and somewhere along the way something mundane makes it all worth it, whether you reach your destination or not. You look in one direction and you realize that a second glance feels nice and feels right. And so you're open to all possibilities because this life you lead makes it happen. You think that time is nothing but an exercise of patience and you don't rush and distance is not a limitation but a gap you know you can bridge. There are no borders and you break the walls that could've existed before. So you get yourself out from the horridness and cruelty and take things slow and let the world surprise you everyday. You don't worry anymore and you are happier and at peace. You are no more bound to what you thought was an eternal curse and you learn to choose and you do something new. Life is so much better at this point and you are still in the middle of your journey. You feel the rays of the sun touch your skin and it's not burning you. Instead, you bask in the warmth it brings. And when all is said and done, you smile because it was with you and you go ahead. You don't linger and this time around, you turn your back and pursue the unknown. And what do you know, you see that the world smiles back at you. :)

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