The Soundtrack of my Life

"I've been thinking about this...Well, I always kind of wanted to write a book that all took place within the space of a pop song, you know, like 3 or 4 minutes long. The story, the idea is that...there's this guy. And...he's totally depressed! I mean, his great dream was to be a lover, an adventurer, you know, riding motorcycles through South America, and instead he's sitting at a marble table, eating lobster, and he's got a good joband a beautiful wife, right. You know, everything that he needs. But that doesn't matter, 'cause what he wantsis to fight for meaning.You know, happiness is in the doing, not in the...getting what you want. So, he's sitting there, and just at a second, his little five year old daughter hops up on the table. And he knows thatshe should get down 'cause she could get hurt, but she's dancing to this pop song, in a summer dress. And he looks down, and all of a sudden,he is sixteen. And... his high school sweetheart is dropping him off, at home. And they've just lost their virginity, and she loves him, and the same song is playing on the car radio, and she climbs up and startsdancing on the roof of the car. And now,now he's worried about her! And she is beautiful, with a...a facial expression just like his daughter's. In fact, you know, maybe that's why he even likes her. You see, he knows he's not remembering this dance, he's there. He's there in both moments simultaneously. And just like for an instance, all his life is just folding into itself and it's obvious to him that time is a lie...that's it's all happening all the time and inside every moment is another moment, all...you know, happening simultaneously. And, that's kind of the idea... anyway." --- Jesse, Before Sunset

The idea that inside every moment is another moment and they're both happening at the same time is just sooo real. Last night I was listening to my brother's MP3IO and in an instant I was surrounded with all things that have happened in my life for the past couple of years and how I got to be at this point. Of course doing that while I'm rubbing Gabe's back and he's sleeping and snoring.

It's silly you know? You go through the directory of mp3s, check the categories and you browse. Hmm...modern rock? Pop acoustic? My comfort zone RnB? Wedding songs, how about that? The fact that I can choose which song to listen to can actually make me choose which episodes in my life I would want to remember. But knowing me, I'd remember them all given the chance. Why not? Life is all about the hits and misses isn't it. You mess up and get up and pray that you could turn out to be a better version of yourself in between.

Listening to KCi and Jojo's This Very Moment very well transports me back to my crazy 2004! I swear to God...there really are songs that you associate to certain people who have that impact in your life. Whether significant or otherwise is immaterial as it can be very subjective. Makes me wonder...what happened to him...and after 3 minutes...I listen to Norah Jones and highlights of 2003 come flashing in my mind. Sergio Mendes, Peter Mayer, Oasis, Earth Wind and Fire...damn...definitely are music to my ears.

If my life was a movie, the soundtrack would have to be...(abangan). :D

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What's Done is Done

After a crazy week, I'm finally regaining my energy. The past week has been busy struggling to get into the mood of turning over my work load, studying for my two finals and at the same time waking up sane to another day. Fortunately, what's done is done and I don't have to go back to this week. But of course, the weeks ahead are all toxic in their own right, which can only mean that I will cross the bridge when I get there. Jusme, one at a time naman.

Had a farewell session with my colleagues at Red Box. The brother rocks!

Ms Che missing in the pic

With a visiting ex-colleague, TK. Competitors now :D

Minsanan lang to eh. Bwahahaha

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In a sentimental mood

As if this is unusual! I'm on the last stages of getting my (personal) stuff out. Damn. I'm beginning to have this funny feeling of missing the people I've been with for the past three years! Since I am still in the office and decided to take my accounting finals next week, having this free time makes me feel the detachment that is bound to happen soon. And I allowed myself to reel in this emotion because next week is THE week.

Remembering when I first started out here, I begin to be caught in the moment when I first went to Singapore and all the firsts that followed thereafter --- losing our way in Japan (Karl and myself), holidaying in Taiwan and staying at our CD's condo, driving up to KL and so many other things. I have about three boxes of anything SingTel-ish to bring home that would always give me so many fond memories. If we don't start talking about work, my stay here has been very very good. How can I just not miss everything?

SGO Colleagues, Singapore March 2004

Despedida for John, Bora Bar May 2005

Hala...cge!

HK's birthday, Jill's July 2005

Kick Off Meeting, Malaysia April 2005

A lot of other pictures would have to be put here to serve as a reminder of the endless possibilities. But life goes on and sooner or later, we will all see each other around :)

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A Happy Problem

And so the inevitable had to happen. I was relieved that he was happy for me, considering that my move can equate to what we call a huge turnover (all is relative by the way). But in any case, I decided not to attend the dinner. What's a futile exercise for anyway?

I googled for inspiration on what I can see regarding a happy problem but found this (which doesn't answer the question). What to do? I am stuck here until God-knows-when (seriously, when they say 30 days notice, you better take it literally) and yet my future has already been making plans for me. Talk about being torn. If these were men, it would've been easier to handle. But my life till end of the year is at stake (I should be getting x3 by early September dammit!) so I need to decide wisely. My mentor is waiting for me at home and I'm trying to "celebrate" the things that transpired a while ago here at the office, looking at my area with a tug in my heart, with a feeling that this has been my home for almost three years. A LOT has happened in this freaking office and I'm not even talking about order processing or hitting the quota. I guess there really comes a time when people move on and we can only hope and pray that it's a move going forward.

I have to get out but I can only do so within a specified period of time. And the other one wants me to go start strutting my stuff with the very same people I'm working with right now! Beat that. So how? I'm so at a loss. Such a happy problem eh? If only life was this simple.

The little girl in me is so dependent on her daddy on how to go about this. Maybe even as if we mature and grow up, what our parents say will always matter right? God I'm just happy I still have my mom and dad with me! Our evening sessions always make my day. Marunong na ko makinig ngayon!

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I'm Off

Today is a very remarkable day. After 6 months, I finally got something I can run to (haha --- that just sounded like an emotional escape). Was eyeing a different destination before but Mother Nature has her ways of pulling me back...and I will still be here (as what my personal life dictates so). Anyway, yipee! It took my headhunter 6 months to find me and only spent 2 weeks to iron everything out. As what they say --- it's a perfect fit; time can be at your side sooner or later.

While talking to my dad about this, he was in his usual element of imparting to me the wisdom of a mentor to his protege. He's definitely my mentor and I am his protege. I'm so always a work in progress!

DJC: Boss, I'm resigning. Effective two weeks from now.
Fictitious Boss: What? Our standard notice is 30 days. Follow the rules.
DJC: Oh don't stress me out anymore. I might get sick.
Fictitious Boss (thinks to himself): Fuck the sick leave.

Bwahahahaha. My dad's humor is great; not so surprisingly my youngest brother got that from him.

It's going to be a tough two weeks (or so, depends) for me from now on. Need to finish all my deliverables and turn over so that the past will not hunt me anymore (which, by the way, is so un-Kayish). I need to make a smooth transition and welcome my new beginning. Yahoo! I can't wait. Since I have not heard from the other side of the world (how can two people from different time zones leave at almost the same time and not do something about it?), bet I should just forego my HK trip end this month and go on with my life as planned.

But whatever it is, I am truly excited. I'm so happy for me!

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Almost There

Just finished an afternoon meeting on what could be yet another beginning for me. Sometimes I ask myself, must we really get out of something in order to start anew? Aren't we able to start anew while we are in the middle of it, without necessarily undergoing certain changes? I guess so. Otherwise, how to start all over again if the limitations are right smack in front of you and we are unable to go beyond that? We all make a move sooner or later anyway.

In any case, I am sooo excited! Getting out is something I don't normally do, although I'm so conscious of being in the comfort zone. A lot of times I've seen people grow old in whatever it is that they are doing only to end up in an equilibrium; a maintenance of sorts that neither growth nor the lack of it can wake up their senses. Then again maybe it is a matter of contentment? Maybe my hands are just full right now what with all the obligations I have to fulfill --- it's overwhelming. And that (at the very least) is what keeps me going.

We'll see how this goes. But yeah, I'm smiling. :-)

Arigato Gozaimas! Haha.

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Friday Musings

Decided not to go to work today. Everything is just blah.

Clive went on to hand his resignation letter but I haven't exactly heard of the details yet. It really doesn't help to know that a lot of your colleagues are leaving and all for the same reason. Well yeah, somehow, we have all the same underlying issues why we all want to move on. I just hope I get to do the same sooner than I think.

I figured things will be better when I see myself in everything that is new. You know? New people to talk to, new environment to be in, new things to do. But until then, all I have is that wishful thinking. Damn, how I long for that moment! Somewhere in between I gotta fast track what needs to be fast tracked.

It's my dad's birthday today...and as usuall, birthdays make me nostalgic --- if not even melodramatic. Haha! My old man is the coolest I tell you --- while I drink my issues away, he is just there listening to me and amusing me with stories from his 56 years of experience. Life is great and only now that I love my family even more. After all, who stands by you when the going gets dark?

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It helps

Ahhh...the beauty of poetry.

I love the little by little part. Sure it connotes time and healing, and to me there is movement...until all else is lost and empty. I guess when you attempt to forget someone, you should attempt to forget everything about them. Like you could only look back with bittersweet memories.

The horridness of it all --- if only I have amnesia!
But yeah...I'm feeling better this time around.

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If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn
at my window,
if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail toward
those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day, at that hour,
I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But if each day, each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live
it will be in your arms without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

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