Such A Rat Race

Just a thought. Correct me if I'm wrong but what is it with Monday mornings that you just have to be early in everything? It's a known and widely accepted fact that being the first day of another hellish week, jumpstarting it right is the best way to go, well not unless you want to cut through the rest of the week feeling not so much alive. It's almost three months since my body clock has been adjusting to a new environment. Personally, I really try to make sense in going to work early and heading out quite late than usual. Ganito ba talaga? I'm not hard to convince anyway, so I ride on life as it ebbs and flows. But as of late, damn, my body is starting to react to the horridness of stress.

But what is stress anyway? I've always been a paranoid person...so when I started feeling the right side of my arm numb...plus the fact that Nelia is still in the hospital...well, do the math and I ended up thinking I may be having an encounter with stroke. I know I sound weird but I did feel the back of my neck aching. I am a very tired woman, I don't know how to stop until that day when I just brought myself to the hospital. The entire day I was feeling dizzy and I was beginning to imagine taking the day off but I couldn't; I just had too much to do. I had to let the day finish before I can drive myself home and go to the emergency room of the hospital. While the doctor was busy scolding the woman in front of me (she was insisting she had a case of dengue when the fact remains that her tonsils were inflammed hence the reason why she had a fever), I was staring long and hard at the nurse taking my blood pressure and praying to God that I am not having a bout of high blood. Well fortunately, mine was still in the range of what we can consider as normal. I just need to find out what causes this dizziness I've been having lately. Looking back, it started a week ago when I was working on a weekend.

So the doctor turned to me, attempted to flirt by suggesting I go to Europe to take a rest (and that came with a wink, mind you) and then asked me about my routine the past couple of days. It remains the same: my average day lasts for about 18 hours and could be a combination of work + pleasure but mostly work and all things that come to play. And doctor's diagnosis? I developed a case of stress-induced vertigo and I was told to take 3 days of complete rest. Bought my meds and the days that came after that I'm always thinking...when will this rat race be over? It doesn't help to know that the age group that I belong to almost always has this kind of condition. Guess it is really that time in my life that I try to make something out of what I am given?

See the thing is, the world is so damn competitive. You just have to be where the action is and at least get a portion of that scene, give it back to your bosses and then pray that it lasts for more than 15 seconds. Something like that. Too much pressure I suppose...and I know I need to take things a little slower this time. Well I attempt to, but I still end up thinking what I need to do...even when I am in bed trying to get some sleep. I'm such a stubborn person eh? I do need to take a rest, a long holiday and recharge all my batteries. But 4 weeks is still 4 weeks; I haven't thought that far yet. Plus I am still reeling from the fact that I couldn't attend the wedding reception of my good friend because guess what? After doing the second reading in his church wedding I gotta go rush to the airport, take the last flight and prepare for a full day meeting the following day. My life is dependent on other people's lives. I am definitely missing out on something here.

But this is what's given to me. Like to whom much is given, much is expected. I can go on and on and on like this but it doesn't change the fact that my health is beginning to be affected. Guess I better take care of myself now more than ever --- that is, if I want to grow old and gray and see Gabe get married and have kids!

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Better Days

I am sooo loving this song right now:

Silver gray hair
Neatly combed in place
There were four generations
Of love on her face
She was so wise
No surprise passed her eyes
She's seen it all

I was a child, oh
About three or four
All day I'd ask questions
At night I'd ask more
But whenever, she never
Would ever turn me away
No, no oh woah
I'd say how can I be sure
What is right or wrong
And why does
What I want
Always take so long
Please tell me
Where does God live
And why won't
He talk to me
I'd say Grandma
What is love
Will I ever find out
Why are we so poor
What is life about
I wanna know the answers
Before I fall off to sleep
Woah ho woah ho

She saw the smile
As she tucked me in
Then she pulled up that
Old rockin' chair once again
But tonight she was
Slightly, remarkably
Different somehow
Slowly she rocked
Lookin' half asleep
Grandma yawned
As she stretched
Then she started to speak
What she told me
Would mould me and hold me
Together inside
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

She said all the things you ask
You will know someday
But you have got to live
In a patient way
God put us here by fate
And by fate that means
Better days

She said, child we are all
Moons in the dark of night
Ain't no mornings gonna come
Till the time is right
Can't get no better days lest
You make it through the night
You gotta make it
Through the night
Yes you do
You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Be patient, oh baby
Be patient

Later that year at
The turn of spring
Heaven sent angels down
And gave Grandma her wings
Now, she's flyin'
And slidin', and glidin'
In better days
And although
I'm all grown up
I still get confused
I stumble through the dark
Getting bumped and bruised
When night gets in my way
I could still hear
My Grandma say
I can hear her say
I can hear her sayin'

You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Child, do you hear me, yeah
Well, well, well, well
You can't get to no, no
Better days
Unless you make it
You got to make it
You got to make it
Through the night
Oh Grandma, oh Grandma
Do you see me now, lady
Oh oh oh oh oh

Be patient. One of the seven virtues we have to imbibe in our quest to achieve whatever dreams and goals we may have. I look at the overall picture of my life and each facet resonates the same thing --- that I be patient and wait for that day. It's hard actually, because knowing how impatient I am, I always have a problem when it comes to waiting. I hate waiting, I hate being late. I make things happen especially when it comes to work but of course you get to realize that you can only do so much and the rest you have to wait it out. But one good thing I have learned is knowing when to stop and stay put. The point of being in a state of steadiness that you can actually see things passing you by. The other day was a highlight in its own right and again, maybe the lifetime has been consumed already. I won't allow myself to become attached to someone and then what? It shouldn't be a one way street; I need to reverse my gear and go back again. There's nowhere to go if what's in front of you is a dead end right?

I wanted to go out last night and catch up with a dear friend but I was too tired to go back to Makati again. I wanted to "celebrate" happiness in what little way possible. Happiness being overrated, what I have isn't something major but damn, it does feel great to be in a highschool mode! He was pulling my leg (I almost fell for his joke!) and was being playful and pilyo --- katuwa to see someone with his profile do things that only boys would do. I did get an invite though, surprisingly and I asked why. Why not? Life, live it. Agree. Quite interesting, especially when you think of the fact that he goes sailing during weekends. Sooo different from the way I live my life --- and maybe that could be a happy problem. In any case, I hope to see him again here in Manila soon...or maybe in Hong Kong in a few weeks' time.

Patience...6 more weeks to go!!! I sooo need a holiday!

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The Simple Life (or the challenge of getting to that)

But what constitutes a simple life? The past few days have been nothing but an experience of wanting to go back to the basics and getting rid of the complications, because anyway, we will end up in the same destination in one way or another. Carpe diem!

After my 7pm meeting I found myself heading to the emergency room of Makati Med (which isn't exactly the nicest place on earth to be in) to be with a colleague who suffered from stroke and aneurysm. Things happened too fast...she was just in the middle of a late afternoon meeting, complained of dizziness and the next thing she knew, she was being wheeled out of the office building and the left side of her body is now numb and she started slurring. In a flash everything can really change...and no matter how much we plan our lives, it may not necessarily turn that way especially when the hand of God comes in. I am now thinking of some "creative" way of how to quit that damn habit of smoking! And more importantly, to manage the stress level that I am dealing with day in and day out. Grabe, in an instant we can really be gone if we don't take care of ourselves.

And then last night at Capones with Miko and Vince, both of them are saying that it really is the simple life that matters the most. I saw Mark in Miko --- magpinsan nga sila! Super bait and extremely nice! He would make it a point to be home during the weekends to be with Angelo (non-negotiable) and he wouldn't take a job outside the country even if given the chance (similar to myself, he would be getting a hold departure order in any case!). On the other hand, Vince, who manages his own content provider in the US, would give anything just to be able to come home more frequently because, as what he said, pampered ka dito eh. Someone will pick you up in the airport, you get home and the maid will bring your stuff in and your dinner will still be warm with that comfy feeling of having home cooked food. I guess it is in the contentment and satisfaction we get that we can only determine if we are living the simple life? I mean, both Miko and myself work in companies that deal with the same customer and we work our asses off...to reach that goal of, as how Miko put it, achieving the 4 rules: eat 3x a day, uminom, make sure your family is happy and healthy and manood ng sine. And when I think about it, it has been a freaking long time since I last watched a movie. As in yung sa sinehan ha. I wouldn't know if I should go watch a movie by my lonesome nang matapos na ang lahat or get that perfect time to do so. Weird diba?! But yeah, simple lang talaga dapat. How to do it is the ultimate question. I am grounding my family background on a technicality that life cannot be that simple --- especially my dad's side because I have a tita who married three times (God bless her soul), countless cousins who changed their last names as frequently as they want to and a lot of other shady characters that would put "simplicity" to non-existence. I mean, is it really a simple life letting a 3 year old girl travel all the way to the US just by herself? Such interesting and funny experiences that comprise the lives of my clan eh? I am beginning to miss my email correspondences with Auntie Jenny.

So how? I'm going to Medical City, visit my newborn niece and be happy over the fact that life is still good and having your own family is the best thing in the world and pray to God that I'd be blessed the same! Ayan! Nang matuwa naman ako kahit papano. Unknown to many, God knows how much color I need to add to my life! It just cannot be work the whole time diba?! Ops, don't wanna be jaded all over again.

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