The Grade Scale and other Issues

So happy with what I got for my first term in MBA! More than what I expected but very rewarding considering that I pay for my schooling. Happy happy happy! Just need to keep this momentum and maintain that DL which has been my goal eversince.

In other news, I am still reeling from the fact that the one thing I've been waiting for didn't push through yesterday. It was again postponed at a later date and I can't help but feel *blah.* I got so excited about this, did my homework and yet nothing's happening. Then again I should just channel my energy somewhere else and pray that I'd be time space warped to that day. Because otherwise, I would really have to do a good job pretending at work!

Come to think of it, with all of this I-need-newness mode that I've been trying to imbibe (the haircut, people I talk to and the things I do), somehow it rubs off in my work. I deal with the same people day in and day out and it's not fun anymore! All the straight-laced image and the fact that most of them are oh-so-prudent, God, is there something I can do? I've been wanting to go on a long break to take a holiday somewhere but can't seem to find the appropriate time due to different and more pressing priorities. But maybe, a holiday would help me get myself back in the mood. It's just so hard doing what you don't feel like doing anymore! I'd rather go read Jeannette Winterson's work. Inspiring and a better choice at that.

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Randomness

It has been such a loooong time since I've written something here! Oh well, time just goes by so fast you forget to update what's happening in your personal life (or the lack of it actually). There have been a lot of significant changes (and hopefully more to come) that transpired recently --- giving me the much needed peace and relief I'm currently enjoying (to my surprise). Think the only thing that I hope to improve on is work. God I've been slacking off for a month or so already! Everything is just blah --- waking up early, going to work and worst of all, pretending you're damn busy!

Gabe's turning 6 this coming Sunday! It's been that long huh? I'm so excited!

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I've been rereading some old personal emails and found this:


Wish you were there at the party I went to tonight.
I wish I was there with you.
Would be good if we danced here together.
Dancing is part of my plan. Just give me thirty years.
You have to dance with me when I'm there.
Haha. Really. If you can make me.
Remember who surprised who.
Haha. Let's see if you have the winning streak.
And what's my prize if I win?
Name it.
You.
Not a bad choice.
The only choice.

And to my delight, a conversation like this actually transpired:

Road to Taming
a conversation between him and myself

He starts...

"Busy at work?"

"You know I can never be too busy for someone like you."

"Flattery will get you nowhere. With you I just lose all sense of time."

"I'm not going anywhere. Still here. Well with you there is more life into a time with no boundaries."

"Thank you. Why are you so pandurog? With you I just look at all the limitless hope that avail themselves."

"At least you're smiling."

"I can only look at you for injecting a healthy shot of pandurog into my life."

"I didn't inject any. You made it happen to yourself. Because you saw the beauty in it."

"It is easier to smile about everything in life than spending a lifetime stressing over things we have no control of."

"Don't rely on what you can only see. You just have to close your eyes and trust whatever's inside you. Because there is truth behind it."

"It has been years since I trusted my heart. I've yet to relearn compromising between my heart and mind again. Thank goodness I have a lot of patience and understanding."

"When you've seen enough, that's the time you close your eyes. That's the time you trust your heart."

"Here I was thinking it was your beauty that I saw."

"Is it enough then? Remember that once you've fully accepted what's inside you, you can easily detach yourself in a way that you wouldn't get consumed by it."

And so I end.

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It's crazy isn't it? Life is unpredictable and whatever will happen in the future really depends on the choices we make. I'm not gonna start on the whole destiny or serendipity issue but one thing is for sure --- I've been there and done that! Haha. Not that I don't want another dose of it but I still think I'm better off without another repeat. Thinking about it, it was good while it lasted. I was crazy, in love and totally vulnerable. And a mess in the process! I was at my lowest when it crumbled right before my eyes and it took some time for me to get going again. He would try to keep in touch and when he went here for a holiday, I almost agreed to meet him. But eventually got turned off --- am I supposed to work within his limited schedule? I don't think so honey.

That was my 2004. Damn...it has been 2 years.

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My So-Called Abstinence

In the priest's homily yesterday in celebration of Ash Wednesday, it was mentioned that as part of the Lenten season, we should be able to abstain on certain things as part of our sacrifice. I'm very much weak when it comes to eggs (super favorite, together with pancit canton :D) and I want them runny and soft and I almost always have them everyday --- to the point that I'm having allergy attacks. Protein overdose I guess. I've been thinking of trying to cut down on it (take note no mention still of smoking --- my worst vice) but I haven't been successful today.

I'm still affected by the recent goings-on in my personal life, and admittedly, I have a loooong way to go as far as moving on is concerned. Although I try to take it one day at a time and focus on the other important things, at the end of the day, thoughts surrounding this particular aspect always come to mind. Sometimes I end up crying silently while looking for that sweet spot to lull me to sleep --- I do miss him. Heck, I miss him everyday. And it takes a lot from me NOT to want to see him. In the absence of certainty, I guess it may be better to consider this as my abstinence --- or the ultimate sacrifice of just retreating back to my corner and sacrificing what little time I could spend to cherish some memories about him. I need to be busy, busier and maybe busiest at this point in my life and if that's what it takes, why not. I haven't been praying much lately; and maybe now is the best time to start doing that in the hope that maybe I could put some sense to my paralyzing brain and be able to feel good about that decision I have made not too long ago. I refuse to be vulnerable and weak, I don't want to go back to square one.

Sacrifice, abstinence, giving up, these are just some of the things running on in my mind while I try to go through the misery brought about by a love that has failed. Will I ever have my own kind of resurrection? More importantly, the kicker is if I can even rise from the dead. It sounds bitter but I'm not. I guess it's high time to just simply concentrate on what's in my hands right now --- and probably to stop having my eggs tomorrow morning. For a start.

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Cheesy Lyrics

Had this short guessing song game with a friend of mine. Hay...one of my favorite songs of all time:

...But one day the sun came shining through
The rain has stopped and the skies were blue
And oh what a revelation to see
Someone was saying I love you to me...

Damn...in this world that can get cruel at times, a little love goes a long long way...

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Frustrated and Sad

Get this. I wasn't able to accomplish anything substantial because of that shitty rally that happened Friday morning. A colleague of mine was terrified of what can possibly happen --- she's a mother of two, that's why. Then again, I couldn't help but feel frustrated about the sorry state of the very place I am living in --- and with Gabe at that. Don't we all work our asses off, day in and day out, much to the dismay of the party animals in us (mine is non-existent anymore, fyi)? And yet, you get this. You get someone who at first tells the whole world that she will not run again for the presidency (only to say otherwise later on), this very same person who flatly denies any involvement in the election scam (only to appear on national television to admit that indeed, she was in it and such manifestation was saying sorry) and, as if these were all not enough to feel losers ourselves, she declares this thing called state of emergency, saying something like the country is in a clear and present danger (how creative! I'm sure she watched that movie in HBO the night before the EDSA rally for added inspiration). For whatever it's worth, the only emergency I felt was for me to go home as soon as I can for fear that I may not be able to do so because of the throng of rallyists filling up the streets of Ayala. Was that the clear and present danger she was talking about?! As far as I am concerned, the next thing I did after seeing the police use water canons to get rid of the poor rallyists was to surf the net and check out the next possible thing: migrate! Don't blame it on us middle class people if we choose to leave this place because nothing is ever gonna happen here. Sure, 10 or 15 years from now something will, but I am just not about to wait that long.

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Happy First

This is the result of the following certainties: bored * lazy * procrastinating * lunch break * surfing * inspired * anticipating * haven't finished studying * stressed at work * doesn't know what to do with what I have to do anymore * sleepy * wanting to do something different * uneasiness * newness * from feeling A to feeling Z and all things between.

Damn. Rain started pouring just now. The lazy in me would really want to cancel the 330pm happening this afternoon! Ugh... plus the fact that I have a major quiz later at 6pm. Double ugh.

Here's to a fruitful relationship with my blog. If this beats my 14 year old partnership with my planner, I'd really consider scuba diving (yep - haven't overcome that fear yet).

:-)

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