When was the last time you felt alive?

Randomness

2009-01-14T16:56:00.002+08:00

So I'm obviously a sucker for anything that's random. Combine that with a penchant for answering surveys to kill some time then you get to have this:

22 (just because ) Random Things About Me:

1. I'm not a morning person.
2. It is almost impossible for me to wake up to the alarm
3. Or to 21 wake up calls
4. I write when I'm happy
5. I write more when I'm way in my element
6. I have developed this habit of sleeping with everything turned on - lights and TV
7. Number 6 was due to a very unforgettable experience in Singapore that happened March 2007
8. I say a prayer on the exact time I was born, every year
9. I was asleep when Gabe was born
10. No, not due to ceasarian birth. Hail to epidural!
11. I still have unsent letters to certain people
12. They will remain unsent
13. I actually like one subject I have in MBA for this term. Seriously
14. I am at the beck and call of my son
15. At one point in my life, I relied to the outside world to cope with all the drama surrounding me
16. I wish I still relied to the outside world to cope with all the drama surrounding me
17. I have learned to accept that not all questions have answers. At least not right now
18. I get postcards from strangers
19. I confess to the universe in writing
20. At least the happy confessions
21. I cry easily. I am a weeper!
22. I want to get lost in Europe. And find my way again

Where is my tropical warmth?

2009-01-14T16:45:00.002+08:00

God I feel so cold these days.

I don't think I can easily adjust to the chilly climate plaguing the city in the last couple of weeks or so. However, I do like wearing clothes that justify such weather but considering that our dear Philippines is a tropical country, psychologically it just doesn't do the trick. Can you imagine wearing trench coat and knee high boots in Quezon City? I do see some --- and those people don't fail to certainly amuse me to a ridiculous extent!

And I am just talking about the daytime weather. It gets worse at night and lately it has become a struggle for me to sleep at a more decent time (more of this in another post...hopefully soon).

Ahhhhhhh....I need some sun, some holiday and most of all, some warmth!!!

New Year, New Look!

2009-01-06T00:08:00.002+08:00

Just a short post as I am still reeling from my monochrome high. Yes, 2009 is all about monochrome! I.love.it. There's an element of sticking to the basics, yet when you look through it all, you kinda see something that's within. And understand what just cannot be told.

I'm no expert in blogging and I had to spend almost 4 hours figuring how to put this XML code I found lurking in the web. The photo is what appeals to me at the moment; and I'd probably change it in the next few days if I come across something that's oozing with more oomph. Lol.

I need to settle this layout first before I start posting more sensible entries. Knowing me, I need to set the mood! Ahhh...the beauty of the colors black and white. I LOVE IT!

Killing Time

2008-11-27T19:27:00.003+08:00

So I find myself lost in the horridness that is Taft Avenue. I know I'm procrastinating a lot of work-related things (I'm needing inspiration, obviously) but can't help reeling from the sad fact that I need to drop out of my class this term. Ugh!!! So many things to do with so little time!

I wanted to visit my cousin nearby but I got scared walking alone in this creepy area. I need randomness and a random survey helps me get that fix.

====================

If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?
Certainly there must be some nagging thought occupying my mind. Or simply put, I'm stressed.

If someone hit you, what would you do?
Carefully think if this is a battle ought to be won. Lol.

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Yes. Sometimes it’s better that way.

Last time you were confused?
Uhm, just today. Can't decide whether to go to class or not. When I finally decided to go to school, my professor SMSed me that he can't accommodate me anymore. If he just let me know that when I was still confused, it would've been truly helpful!

Rent a movie or go to movies?
Either way is fine by me.

What is wonderful?
Conspiring with the universe and feeling that everything is just right.

What are you doing tonight?
Fix my claims and upload it in our system. It takes a while and I can't seem to be up for it!

What did you do yesterday?
Worked and went home, like a good girl.

Ever kissed someone whose name starts with the letter M?
Of course. “M” is a popular letter for names.

Last person you told a secret to?
Work-wise, it's Aris. Personally, it would have to be Weng. I'm fond of keeping secrets to a close and select few.

Status of you and the person you last sent a text to you?
He's my cousin and currently having some issues.

Favorite song at the moment?
I Love You I Do by Jennifer Hudson

Ever made someone cry?
I try not to do that, but it happens.

Things you’re looking forward to in the next 2 weeks?
Definitely a lot! I think I can cross a lot of things in my bucket list.

Who is your favorite band?
Not a huge band lover but I do like Mr. Big.

Shared a bed with someone else?
Uhm, yeah. Gabe.

What's irritating you right now?
The horridness that is Taft.

Do you enjoy tattoos?
I don't have one so I can't really relate to this.

Where was your default picture taken?
Last December 2007, at my grandpa's house during Christmas Eve.

Have you ever shaved in the kitchen sink?
The hell???

Do you like anyone as of now?
Absolutely.

When was the last time you cried?
I get highly emotional when I have a bad case of PMS. So that was just a few weeks back. Although how many days ago I was almost in tears when some shady character stole my phone!

How many keys are on your key chain?
3. For my car and 2 keys for my office drawer from my previous company. Totally forgot to get rid of those!

What do you want to eat?
Right now, nothing. I'm not in the mood.

What are you doing today?
Finding the energy to finish what I really need to finish.

The Little Boy Goes To Heaven

2008-04-10T14:36:00.002+08:00

To me, death is inevitable. No matter how much we don't think about it, sooner or later we will have to face the truth that one day we shall bid this world goodbye and move on to the Great Beyond. I guess the question here is the process of transitioning from this steady state we are in to that "death" state --- do we get diagnosed with some incurable illness? Do we die because of old age? Or are we going to figure in an accident? Different routes and all are going to the same destination...and somehow, when you do sit back and ponder on this, you end up thinking that while these are all part of the journey, we do want to say goodbye on a peaceful note. You know --- no unfinished businesses, no regrets, no I-need-to-do-this-before-I-die moments...and that's the reason why we encounter a lot of readings that go something like: 1000 Things You Should Do Before You Die etc etc. So in a way, while we are out here living our lives, we do prepare for our demise one way or another.

But what happens if life ends in an instant? What happens if everything just stopped from where you are and you can't turn back?

My sister told me the story of how life can end in a blink of an eye. Her ex-boyfriend's nephew, a 7 year old boy who shares the same name as my son, and his family went on a vacation to the US just the other week. Immediately after dropping their luggage at the place they're staying, they proceeded for dinner. Somehwere along the way, they figured in a car accident and the poor little boy had to be amputated. The following day, he was declared brain dead and finally early this week, moved on to the Great Beyond.

I think for a mom like myself and who has a 7 year old son, the very thought is just killing me. Super sad...I can just imagine the pain that the whole family is going through. More so, this little boy had to be the one called by our God to join Him in paradise. As they all say, thy will be done.

Such a downer. You can watch the news clip here.

Survey Says

2008-04-06T17:50:00.004+08:00

I've been a silent fan of doing surveys especially way back in 2001 when work wasn't much of a challenge back then. Haha. Cut to present tense, rarely do I get things like this in my inbox --- so seeing one does brighten my day.

Thanks to Val for tagging me on this.

1. Does anyone know your password?
Hmmm...not really. I have a thing for making super complicated passwords.
2. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonalds?
6 piece nuggets.
3. Are you an emotional person?
The cancer in me says....yes!!!
4. Do you like your name?
Only if I want to look like a saint. Haha.
5. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Uhm, not anymore.
6. Ever felt jealous of your friend?
Not really. But it's nice living vicariously through your friend's eyes.
7. What was the last thing you did?
Did some work, sent emails to colleagues. Yes, on a Sunday.
8. Who is next to you?
No one.
9. Who was the last person you ate with?
The whole family at Wacat.
10. What song are you listening to right now?
None. But I do here the sounds of the show Loudette is watching.
11. How is the weather right now?
Superrrrrrr hottttt.
12. Last person you called?
My colleague Adrian because I wanted to check if we are a go for tomorrow's karting session.
13. Who are you thinking right now?
More like what am I thinking of right now. A lot of things --- work, holiday, work, holiday...
14. Last song you sang?
100 Years by Five for Fighting. I love this...it's my song these days.
15. Last time you danced?
Damn, can't remember. Have I been that busy???
18. Last thing you ate?
My guilty pleasure --- potato chips.
19. Been really depressed before?
Ridiculously yes.
20. Faked being sick to miss school?
Yes and it still works up to now! Haha.
21. What time did you wake up today?
Technically? 6AM. Then slept again. Officially? 10AM. Hehe.
22. Current taste?
Salty. I love eating my potato chips especially on a weekend.
23. What are you wearing right now?
Black shorts and some lavander top.
24. Are you too shy to ask anyone out?
I must say that getting old does allow us not to make an issue out of this.
25. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Personality and if their confidence hasn't eaten them up to the point of being cocky. Yes, I do like distinguishing that thin line!
27. Current love?
I love the written word. If I had the time in the world, I would write all day in my planner. And here.
28. What date and day is it today?
610pm, Sunday April 6.
29. Did you go anywhere today?
To Wacat in Quezon City. Back in my usual Sunday routine.
30. What did you do there?
Family gathering. Sniffed for some family gossip too. Haha.
34. Do you call your parents by their first name?
Uhm, no.
35. Are you an only child?
Nope. I have 3 other siblings, the last one probably got stuck in his mental age of 6. He's turning 21 by the way.
36. Where do you go shopping?
In the mall, where everything is fast and accessible!
38. Do you like books?
Yes. I don't get to finish all my readings though.
39. Do you want to get married?
Given the chance, yes.
40. To whom?
Can I just let the world surprise me on this? Haha.

Bikram Yoga

2008-04-06T17:00:00.003+08:00

Sunday afternoon musings that is.

It's sooo hot here these days! Summer is definitely here and I gaze in jealousy as I see my neighbors coming back from their beach holiday in Bohol. I want! I want!

Almost a month ago I started doing Bikram Yoga. This, as an attempt to realize what I wanted to do ever since 2008 kicked in (yes, it's the year of turning 30!). I wanted to somehow improve the quality of what I consider to be an unhealthy lifestyle (junk food all week, no vitamins, lack of sleep, fatigue). True enough, Bikram is making me aware of such and I'm just feeling guilty over the past two weeks because my workload prevents me from doing my sessions as much as I can. Initially, I thought I wouldn't like the idea of being in a heated room full of strangers and doing the yoga positions that expose the vulnerable side of you. Think about doing the camel position --- enough said. Fortunately though, I found yoga to be really great --- it's nice to have some quiet time for yourself at the end of a working day, isn't it? The movements do not require you to run (I really don't) yet you sweat so much your shirt would end up looking like it has been soaked in water for a while. That being said, yoga, by far, is the only activity that enables me to be in a would-love-to-destress mode. More like savasnah mode actually, as I never thought you can relax and meditate at the same time...literally thinking about nothing while connecting your body, mind and soul all at once.

But, as with all other things, yoga takes a great deal of effort, patience and time. Up to now, I still cannot do some of the positions due to its complexity (really, how do you bring your forehead to reach your toes without bending your knees???) and I remain undaunted. Perhaps sometime soon that will happen as yoga teaches you to do targeted efforts over a period of time and to celebrate small victories (no matter how mundane). Somehow, you can't help but relate yoga to how you live your life and to reassess the goals you want to achieve. I suppose the patience has rubbed off on me and I see myself letting go of certain issues that I really cannot do anything about.

Namaste :-)

Music Association

2008-03-09T21:08:00.003+08:00

I think I wrote this in a previous entry, but here I am putting it in writing all over again:

The story, the idea is that...there's this guy. And...he's totally depressed! I mean, his great dream was to be a lover, an adventurer, you know, riding motorcycles through South America, and instead he's sitting at a marble table, eating lobster, and he's got a good joband a beautiful wife, right. You know, everything that he needs. But that doesn't matter, 'cause what he wantsis to fight for meaning. You know, happiness is in the doing, not in the...getting what you want. So, he's sitting there, and just at a second, his little five year old daughter hops up on the table. And he knows that she should get down 'cause she could get hurt, but she's dancing to this pop song, in a summer dress. And he looks down, and all of a sudden, he is sixteen. And... his high school sweetheart is dropping him off, at home. And they've just lost their virginity, and she loves him,
and the same song is playing on the car radio, and she climbs up and startsdancing on the roof of the car. And now, now he's worried about her! And she is beautiful, with a...a facial expressionjust like his daughters'. In fact, you know, maybe that's why he even likes her! You see, he knows he's not remembering this dance, he's there. He's there in both moments simultaneously. And just like for an instance, all his life is just folding into itself sunset and it's obvious to himthat time is a lie...that's it's all happening all the time and inside every moment is another moment, all...you know, happening simultaneously. And, anyway, that's kind of the idea... anyway. --- Jesse, Before Sunset

So anyway. It's a Sunday but I feel just how I felt way back 11 years ago. At home, listening to music. And before I the horridness that is Monday eats me up again, I know I would need to put this thought down and share it for everyone's amusement.

Ever experienced listening to music and feeling transported back in time? More like being time space warped, depending on the kind of music you subject yourself to. Music association --- that for some reason, a 3 or 4 minute song can actually take away 3 or 4 minute of your life and bring you back to I don't know --- some good memory I hope? Music is so powerful and more than ever at this point, especially if you have your handy iPod in tow and all you do is click a song and once again you are at your high school dance, worried sick of your curfew Daddy has imposed mercilessly and yet, just like a damsel waiting in distress, silently praying for the love of your life to come up to you and ask you for a dance. Or maybe you can click that particular song that can just remind you how you were back in the day --- when the daily routine only involves home-school-home and your Friday nights are filled with movies you'd like to catch up to while dinner is being served in bed. Music is so powerful enough that once you hear Sergio Mendez's Let's Give A Little More This Time you realize how much of a naive woman you are by giving the nth chance to someone who really doesn't deserve even a second one.

About 4 years ago, I made a playlist for someone and up to this day, the modern rendition of Basil Valdez's Kahit Ika'y Panaginip Lang still lingers in my head and I remember myself driving in South Super Highway on my way to Better Living with a Mango Bravo cake from Contis as a welcome present. I myself am very surprised as to the exact detail a song can cover (and how my memory can't seem to erase it). It's like I remember the song but I don't remember the boy anymore! Haha.

So I guess music will always be that particular part of our lives that will constantly remind us of our (mis)fortunes and (mis)adventures. Whatever it is, I'm glad to know that I am able to feel what Jesse has narrated --- to be in a moment while another moment is happening...to be in those two things simultaneously...life is good it enables us to catch all those fleeting moments. At least even through a song. :-)

Of postcards and planners...

2008-03-03T10:41:00.009+08:00

...and of earthly possessions. Two of the most precious things in my life and I know I'd die without them (or at least I'd die if National stops selling the planners):

These things are second nature to me, just like getting used to having a night cap or spending weekends with Gabe. Writing in my planner has become a habit and it's funny when I look back at all the things I have written along the way. Reading about this guy who goes by the codename (self-imposed) of "mirror" back in third year highschool now gives me the classic cringe that adults are known for when thrown back to memory lane. Why the hell did I call him "mirror" in the first place? Eeeew. Or what about the countless chocolate wrappers that are found inside my 1997/1998 planner --- a sweet attempt by an ex-boyfriend to end what was obviously a superficial fight. Or maybe handwritten notes by other special people who had the special privilege of peeking into my life and leaving their mark.

Somehow, as we go along the way, the issues get deeper and the fears become bigger. Career becomes a priority and relationships take more hard work to keep. Family ties become important and now we see the world in a bigger picture. These are just the snippets of my life that are captured --- for the last 13 years --- and reading them just never fails to amuse me.

And here they are in a more presentable form - like a family picture!

The blue one is by far the most tattered planner. This was year 2007 and you bet it was a crazy year.

Remember the classic question? If your house was caught on fire, what would be the things that you will do your darn best to save? Aside from my planners...this is what I would fight for:

I just love anything and everything that's handwritten. I don't know why...looking at it is just so addicting that it gives me a natural high. My routine: everytime I travel, I'd go buy postcards and on my last day (or at least hours before my flight back home) would send them to my friends from all over. Julia in Singapore, JJ and Logan in KL, Maya in Japan, Ted in Korea, Rafael in Mexico, Clive in London, Weng in Manila and Eduardo in Australia. Plus I send one to Gabe and myself :-) What's even great is that strangers send me postcards too!

Weekend Wrap Up

2008-02-25T18:35:00.003+08:00

It's officially a non-working holiday today, but I find myself in the premises of the company I've been working for for the last 6 months to meet a deadline. I still have a million things to do and work just never seems to stop in this side of the world.

But anyway.

A part of me longs for a methodical routine, a kind of lifestyle that can somehow be predicted and be systematic enough to know what else you could and could not accommodate in your life. Mine has been forever erratic --- always on the go, always unpredictable. It's like there is some mad rush hovering my daily grind and for some reason, this methodical approach seems to be very interesting for me. Well, don't we all wish for the things we don't have.

Therefore, while out last Saturday in Alabang, Gabe and myself went to Powerbooks to look around. Gabe found some Goosebumps edition while I, as soon as I entered the store, found this (to your left). Well, not exactly this movie poster but I found the book and caught my fancy. I bought Love in the Time of Cholera a few years back --- 4 years ago I suppose --- as a gift for someone I was crushing over but in time have managed to become the good friends that we are now. It's funny how the line "Love is the only thing that interests me" can make me so sappy back then while now I feel like I wanted to gag myself. Hopefully this book makes my night time a little methodical (gotta catch up on my reading) rather than unpredictable (night cap tonight?).

Reading up and thinking of this magnificent work by Gabriel Garcia Marquez (I must see him while he is still alive --- in Mexico) bring me back to the other more important things in life: your purpose, the destiny you are supposed to be out on a date with and more life-altering decisions you'd have to make in the course of your natural life. You try to do your best while you are at it and at the same time envision a better predicament for yourself in the long run. It's no joke I suppose, so I guess prayers really work well for those who do.

B is for Barcelona

2008-02-18T21:27:00.005+08:00

Yes, finally made that trip! I remember writing in my FB 10-second interview application: Where do you plan to travel next? And the answer was: Europe, particularly Spain.

Oh, the magic of creating positive vibe.

Though there were some glitches along the way (still cringing at the very thought of it), the trip was a good one. I considered myself an alalay in many ways: scheduling pick up rides for my CIO whom I am hosting and arranging for various meetings with my global bosses. I jet lagged for about 2 days straight --- leaving me in my lonely hotel room fending for myself while catching up on my email.

But, but, but. I guess Barcelona has a way of mesmerizing me. I bought myself an SLR to capture the first of so many (European) countries I shall visit in the course of this lifetime!

Out of my sheer excitement in holding my baby for the very first time (I am now fondly calling him Barci, in memory of - make a wild guess - Barcelona), I totally forgot to look at the manual which, since I bought it there, is obviously written in Spanish. Haha. I'm so into the language I know, but then again I don't think I can afford to study my camera just by relying on the kastilaloy manual. Pero me gusta lenguahe de Espanyol! I'm learning how to play with my newest baby by reading up here.

And so, last Valentine's Day, while I was thousands of miles away from Pop and my family, I went around town to check out some sights and snap some photos and I came up with these:

B just isn't for Barcelona only. Here's to B for beautiful!

Being Back

2008-02-18T18:30:00.002+08:00

Maybe I'm back. Being back to this diversion that helps us maintain what's left of our sanity as we juggle the corporate rat race and life-after-work (if such life still exists).

Back to reality, back to what we call home and what works for us. Or so we think and so we claim :-)

But surprises are great.

November to January = NOW

2007-01-21T01:31:00.000+08:00

And time has passed by so fast…I keep on catching up. Huffing and puffing! Such a happy problem isn’t it?

Looking back, everything was good. Not in all aspects though but at least in the more important ones. After all, who has everything anyway? We can never be perfect. And so here I am, still grounding myself by updating this blog and oh yeah, my 2007 planner :-)

I saw myself in November talking to a dear friend of mine who has been having marriage problems as of late. I’m not surprised though as he got married not by choice but by chance. Kinda funny though, especially when you’ve only been married for less than two years! I mean, whatever happened to the honeymooning period? Either it never existed in their lives or they had it during their pre-married days! Gosh…stories like that never fail to amaze and inspire me…I surely wouldn’t want to get married half heartedly! I mean, don’t we all?

And of course, let us not forget the ever increasing number of weddings we all have to attend to. I’ve had like seven weddings for 2006 to attend and doing so has always been a question of who’s gonna be next. Vivs and Andre got married this month and it’s really bizarre how they managed to have the kind of story that they have. Girl is bored and goes online. Enters a chat room and talks to someone. That someone of course happens to be Andre and cut to present tense, boy flies to Manila and they hit it off quite well…to the point that girl flies to California and the rest is history. I mean…tell me…what is the probability of that happening for all the single women out there? I tell you, if that trick really works, surely no single woman would ever want to go out and party again! But yeah that’s a different story altogether; and besides, luck plays a vital role in the whole relationship scenario…and time as well I suppose…two important things which I actually do not have the luxury to rave about. And this madness of being single can actually be fun (albeit tiring), especially when I go to weddings because it is a feast to the eyes: you get to see your friends walk down the aisle all dolled up…see them marry the man of their dreams and maybe get myself inspired with the fact that certainly, happy endings still exist and probably some good things do last. Yeah…why not? I thrive on inspiration…and this terrible need to be inspired everyday! Haha…creative idleness does help me to get by.

And so the weddings go on until December…boy did I love Jo’s wedding. It was a perfect wedding to say the least and everything was carefully orchestrated. And lest I be known as a ghostly guest, yes, I went to Raymar’s wedding. I may not be seen on the pictures as I had to catch a flight to HK, but yeah, I was there.

December was a totally crazy month for me. I have practiced the art of closing my eyes for a while to rest. Later on I learned that such exercise is called sleeping. There were just too many things to do with so little time! I never realized how can I be time space warped to today thinking how the hell did I even manage to survive the month that was. I went to three weddings, two of which were done in a manner befitting only those who can probably do a million things at any given time. Now I get to laugh thinking about it. Such a rush…and a natural high at that. Oh and let us not forget all the Christmas parties that have to be attended, including ours! After having a silent fight with a colleague of mine, of course the dear boss wanted all of us to have a merry Christmas and hence the voluntary gesture of being the mediator for us to patch things up. I think it is all about acceptance of how certain people are and being able to move on and forget everything that’s not worth remembering. I tell you, that’s not only for relationships or what-not, gosh it also works as far as the workplace is concerned! I really surprise myself sometimes.

When I think about it, I actually thought that I’d be going through the holidays blindly --- well I was as a matter of fact, I guess up until that Hong Kong trip culminated. I owe it to David though for making me feel the Christmas spirit and of course, being Kay-ish about it, I found myself one Sunday afternoon in Rockwell pulling again yet another surprise. Such a weakness of mine really when I think about it. Sometimes I’m so damn naïve to the point that I fail to see the bigger picture and I get eaten up by my freaking moment and I end up, well, doing what I wanted to do in the first place but with a hanging question lingering in my head…was it really worth it? But I try to appease myself in saying that I can’t turn back the time; and at least whatever it is that I did at the time felt truly right. And why not? We only get to live once! So savor the good moments and throw away the bad ones. It’s just that I had a great time in Hong Kong…so why the hell shouldn’t I do something about it? I was already in Bora when he called me up from Texas and I tell you, I was so beyond that by then. I mean, I went to Bora with Julia and friends and a lot of things has happened…whatever happened to the “delayed” follow through? See that’s the thing with men nowadays. They so lack consistency. Which is why my mantra nowadays is: consistency is the key --- if not the only key. I mean we all look for the same kind anyway right? As long as they fit the bill (and not even to a T, because of course the older we get, forget about standards and expectations and everything that’s between) and are kind enough…what else is missing? Consistency. They just have to be consistent. But for some reason, I don’t know…does it come with age? Or cynicism? Or maybe men I meet nowadays are just plain jaded? Oh and let us not forget those who have issues with control! This one really tops my list. A guy professes his feelings to me but ends up doing nothing because by doing something about it would mean that he is losing control and he just can’t take that. It’s soooo lucid. God save us from all this misery. I’m happy we have the choice to choose. You know? Like how Miranda says, I’d rather stay home than go out with someone who sells socks on the internet. In my case, I’d rather snore to death that go out with men who have shitty issues! It’s funny how men entertain me with their idiosyncrasies. They’re all of the same kind! Although I wouldn’t know if Brian is like that too as I haven’t known him for a long time to classify him as such. Yeah…he could be interesting too for me…but I haven’t heard from him the past few days. He told me he wanted to join me in Feb in HK (that’s the working plan) but in the absence of such confirmation I’d take that as a tentative. But I hope he is the difference…and a big one at that. I showed my mom all the pictures and she found him to be the most “eligible” of them all. Haha --- that just sounded like my mom’s pimping all the men out there for me! So you see, there lies the hope that maybe one day some consistent guy will come out of the blue and show me the big diff. But in the meantime, I content myself with what I have in my hands now. A relationship with someone called work and yeah…we’re fine and dandy! Just a few months into my new job I got the sweetest Christmas gift of it all: a contract signed no less than the CEO. Sweetness!!! I pride myself with the fact that everything was damn worth it --- the sleepless nights, the bout with vertigo, the fight with my colleague and my being an MIA in my graduate school. I’m just so happy! I know this is the start of bigger and better things in store for me this 2007 that’s why I can’t help but rave just how much I enjoyed New Year’s Eve in Bora. I mean, I was with great company, I had the best beach moment ever (you bet) and most importantly, I said goodbye to that disappointment called 2006! Not sounding too sarcastic about it but you know the feeling of being able to let go something that you thought was with you the whole time but wasn’t? It just so feels right that you’re so out of it and that you’re in a place that’s far better and more appealing. I love it and at this point in time, I really couldn’t ask for me. Well…except for consistency! We go back to square one and obviously I am running in circles! Hahahaha!

I told myself at the start of the year that I am responsible in all the things that I place myself in, so I gotta be more on guard and more careful. Jayjay made me promise to him and I did…and I did so because I know he’s right. We should stick to the people who make us better versions of ourselves and veer away from the toxic ones. Amen to that! For some reason, I just feel empowered this year more than ever. I feel like I can really make decisions and not be dictated by somebody else. I just hope I make the right ones.

And so I go on…immersing myself deeply with what I have and loving it. I’m out next week and the next month will be major for me as a lot of traveling is involved. I still hope I get to pull off Madrid and meet Julia’s Jose! Que sera sera. For now, I’ve got Japan and Hong Kong to fill my working calendar. It’s going to be winter for me!!!

I remember Andy Sachs asking Miranda Priestly in the movie The Devil Wears Prada. Anything else I can do? Your job.

She couldn’t have said any better.

Such A Rat Race

2006-11-19T12:45:00.000+08:00

Just a thought. Correct me if I'm wrong but what is it with Monday mornings that you just have to be early in everything? It's a known and widely accepted fact that being the first day of another hellish week, jumpstarting it right is the best way to go, well not unless you want to cut through the rest of the week feeling not so much alive. It's almost three months since my body clock has been adjusting to a new environment. Personally, I really try to make sense in going to work early and heading out quite late than usual. Ganito ba talaga? I'm not hard to convince anyway, so I ride on life as it ebbs and flows. But as of late, damn, my body is starting to react to the horridness of stress.

But what is stress anyway? I've always been a paranoid person...so when I started feeling the right side of my arm numb...plus the fact that Nelia is still in the hospital...well, do the math and I ended up thinking I may be having an encounter with stroke. I know I sound weird but I did feel the back of my neck aching. I am a very tired woman, I don't know how to stop until that day when I just brought myself to the hospital. The entire day I was feeling dizzy and I was beginning to imagine taking the day off but I couldn't; I just had too much to do. I had to let the day finish before I can drive myself home and go to the emergency room of the hospital. While the doctor was busy scolding the woman in front of me (she was insisting she had a case of dengue when the fact remains that her tonsils were inflammed hence the reason why she had a fever), I was staring long and hard at the nurse taking my blood pressure and praying to God that I am not having a bout of high blood. Well fortunately, mine was still in the range of what we can consider as normal. I just need to find out what causes this dizziness I've been having lately. Looking back, it started a week ago when I was working on a weekend.

So the doctor turned to me, attempted to flirt by suggesting I go to Europe to take a rest (and that came with a wink, mind you) and then asked me about my routine the past couple of days. It remains the same: my average day lasts for about 18 hours and could be a combination of work + pleasure but mostly work and all things that come to play. And doctor's diagnosis? I developed a case of stress-induced vertigo and I was told to take 3 days of complete rest. Bought my meds and the days that came after that I'm always thinking...when will this rat race be over? It doesn't help to know that the age group that I belong to almost always has this kind of condition. Guess it is really that time in my life that I try to make something out of what I am given?

See the thing is, the world is so damn competitive. You just have to be where the action is and at least get a portion of that scene, give it back to your bosses and then pray that it lasts for more than 15 seconds. Something like that. Too much pressure I suppose...and I know I need to take things a little slower this time. Well I attempt to, but I still end up thinking what I need to do...even when I am in bed trying to get some sleep. I'm such a stubborn person eh? I do need to take a rest, a long holiday and recharge all my batteries. But 4 weeks is still 4 weeks; I haven't thought that far yet. Plus I am still reeling from the fact that I couldn't attend the wedding reception of my good friend because guess what? After doing the second reading in his church wedding I gotta go rush to the airport, take the last flight and prepare for a full day meeting the following day. My life is dependent on other people's lives. I am definitely missing out on something here.

But this is what's given to me. Like to whom much is given, much is expected. I can go on and on and on like this but it doesn't change the fact that my health is beginning to be affected. Guess I better take care of myself now more than ever --- that is, if I want to grow old and gray and see Gabe get married and have kids!

Better Days

2006-11-12T15:17:00.000+08:00

I am sooo loving this song right now:

Silver gray hair
Neatly combed in place
There were four generations
Of love on her face
She was so wise
No surprise passed her eyes
She's seen it all

I was a child, oh
About three or four
All day I'd ask questions
At night I'd ask more
But whenever, she never
Would ever turn me away
No, no oh woah
I'd say how can I be sure
What is right or wrong
And why does
What I want
Always take so long
Please tell me
Where does God live
And why won't
He talk to me
I'd say Grandma
What is love
Will I ever find out
Why are we so poor
What is life about
I wanna know the answers
Before I fall off to sleep
Woah ho woah ho

She saw the smile
As she tucked me in
Then she pulled up that
Old rockin' chair once again
But tonight she was
Slightly, remarkably
Different somehow
Slowly she rocked
Lookin' half asleep
Grandma yawned
As she stretched
Then she started to speak
What she told me
Would mould me and hold me
Together inside
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

She said all the things you ask
You will know someday
But you have got to live
In a patient way
God put us here by fate
And by fate that means
Better days

She said, child we are all
Moons in the dark of night
Ain't no mornings gonna come
Till the time is right
Can't get no better days lest
You make it through the night
You gotta make it
Through the night
Yes you do
You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Be patient, oh baby
Be patient

Later that year at
The turn of spring
Heaven sent angels down
And gave Grandma her wings
Now, she's flyin'
And slidin', and glidin'
In better days
And although
I'm all grown up
I still get confused
I stumble through the dark
Getting bumped and bruised
When night gets in my way
I could still hear
My Grandma say
I can hear her say
I can hear her sayin'

You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Child, do you hear me, yeah
Well, well, well, well
You can't get to no, no
Better days
Unless you make it
You got to make it
You got to make it
Through the night
Oh Grandma, oh Grandma
Do you see me now, lady
Oh oh oh oh oh

Be patient. One of the seven virtues we have to imbibe in our quest to achieve whatever dreams and goals we may have. I look at the overall picture of my life and each facet resonates the same thing --- that I be patient and wait for that day. It's hard actually, because knowing how impatient I am, I always have a problem when it comes to waiting. I hate waiting, I hate being late. I make things happen especially when it comes to work but of course you get to realize that you can only do so much and the rest you have to wait it out. But one good thing I have learned is knowing when to stop and stay put. The point of being in a state of steadiness that you can actually see things passing you by. The other day was a highlight in its own right and again, maybe the lifetime has been consumed already. I won't allow myself to become attached to someone and then what? It shouldn't be a one way street; I need to reverse my gear and go back again. There's nowhere to go if what's in front of you is a dead end right?

I wanted to go out last night and catch up with a dear friend but I was too tired to go back to Makati again. I wanted to "celebrate" happiness in what little way possible. Happiness being overrated, what I have isn't something major but damn, it does feel great to be in a highschool mode! He was pulling my leg (I almost fell for his joke!) and was being playful and pilyo --- katuwa to see someone with his profile do things that only boys would do. I did get an invite though, surprisingly and I asked why. Why not? Life, live it. Agree. Quite interesting, especially when you think of the fact that he goes sailing during weekends. Sooo different from the way I live my life --- and maybe that could be a happy problem. In any case, I hope to see him again here in Manila soon...or maybe in Hong Kong in a few weeks' time.

Patience...6 more weeks to go!!! I sooo need a holiday!

The Simple Life (or the challenge of getting to that)

2006-11-04T12:39:00.000+08:00

But what constitutes a simple life? The past few days have been nothing but an experience of wanting to go back to the basics and getting rid of the complications, because anyway, we will end up in the same destination in one way or another. Carpe diem!

After my 7pm meeting I found myself heading to the emergency room of Makati Med (which isn't exactly the nicest place on earth to be in) to be with a colleague who suffered from stroke and aneurysm. Things happened too fast...she was just in the middle of a late afternoon meeting, complained of dizziness and the next thing she knew, she was being wheeled out of the office building and the left side of her body is now numb and she started slurring. In a flash everything can really change...and no matter how much we plan our lives, it may not necessarily turn that way especially when the hand of God comes in. I am now thinking of some "creative" way of how to quit that damn habit of smoking! And more importantly, to manage the stress level that I am dealing with day in and day out. Grabe, in an instant we can really be gone if we don't take care of ourselves.

And then last night at Capones with Miko and Vince, both of them are saying that it really is the simple life that matters the most. I saw Mark in Miko --- magpinsan nga sila! Super bait and extremely nice! He would make it a point to be home during the weekends to be with Angelo (non-negotiable) and he wouldn't take a job outside the country even if given the chance (similar to myself, he would be getting a hold departure order in any case!). On the other hand, Vince, who manages his own content provider in the US, would give anything just to be able to come home more frequently because, as what he said, pampered ka dito eh. Someone will pick you up in the airport, you get home and the maid will bring your stuff in and your dinner will still be warm with that comfy feeling of having home cooked food. I guess it is in the contentment and satisfaction we get that we can only determine if we are living the simple life? I mean, both Miko and myself work in companies that deal with the same customer and we work our asses off...to reach that goal of, as how Miko put it, achieving the 4 rules: eat 3x a day, uminom, make sure your family is happy and healthy and manood ng sine. And when I think about it, it has been a freaking long time since I last watched a movie. As in yung sa sinehan ha. I wouldn't know if I should go watch a movie by my lonesome nang matapos na ang lahat or get that perfect time to do so. Weird diba?! But yeah, simple lang talaga dapat. How to do it is the ultimate question. I am grounding my family background on a technicality that life cannot be that simple --- especially my dad's side because I have a tita who married three times (God bless her soul), countless cousins who changed their last names as frequently as they want to and a lot of other shady characters that would put "simplicity" to non-existence. I mean, is it really a simple life letting a 3 year old girl travel all the way to the US just by herself? Such interesting and funny experiences that comprise the lives of my clan eh? I am beginning to miss my email correspondences with Auntie Jenny.

So how? I'm going to Medical City, visit my newborn niece and be happy over the fact that life is still good and having your own family is the best thing in the world and pray to God that I'd be blessed the same! Ayan! Nang matuwa naman ako kahit papano. Unknown to many, God knows how much color I need to add to my life! It just cannot be work the whole time diba?! Ops, don't wanna be jaded all over again.

Black coffee, Sandrine, Tokyo, EBF and the Future

2006-10-24T18:31:00.000+08:00

Days passed by so fast that it is almost November. And I'm sure November's gonna come by fast enough as well --- and with this comes the season once again! Just a thought.

Right now I've shifted to having my coffee black instead of the usual coffee+cream+sugar. I dunno, I remember Mark telling me that Paolo drinks his coffee that way for the longest time, coupled by the exercises he's been doing to be the very lean person he is now. Not that I am planning to be athletic (or start exercising for that matter!) but I guess this change in the way I do my morning ritual is a good alternative to loading up on sugar. Besides, I need to lose weight! Haha. New Year's eve is just around the corner...me and Jules would need a lot of preparation! So we'll see how it goes.

=========

A week and a half ago I went to the baptism of Sandrine, my newest goddaughter. Cute little girl with chubby cheeks --- yup just like baby marshmallow cheeks! Gabe is indeed a kuya to a few of my inaanak...but I guess nothing beats having your own girl huh? I was in the train on my last day in Tokyo and I saw this Japanese girl who is just so cute I couldn't help but take a picture of her. Japanese baby girls really tug my heart! They look so lovable with their chinky eyes!

=========

And so the Tokyo trip is done and over with. Looking back, no matter how tiring it was (meetings ending at 11ish or so), everything was worth it. On top of the business agenda we've covered, I'm glad we were able to tour around and go to places that even our executive consultant hasn't gone to! We went to Matsushima Bay (said to be the top 3 place to go to in Japan) and the view is amazing --- on board a ferry and with close encounters with the seagulls (we fed them with prawn crackers), you would want life to stop right there and then. Think Kate Beckinsale in Serendipity when she boarded a ferry and just enjoyed the calmness the bay brings. Something like that. Yuki-san, our tour guide who is 66 years old and with two grandkids, looked nothing like a 66 year old lola I swear. She is very healthy and giggles like a high school girl which makes her all the more lovable! Her high pitched tone while explaining how to drink Japanese green tea is just so funny I was imitating her and teasing her about it. I guess people in Japan are particularly healthy and strong because of all the walking they do day in and day out (which up to now I am still learning to accept --- at one point my feet nearly killed me!). She brought us to Zuiganji temple as well where we (me and my directors) bought fortune paper based on our blood type and checked what's in store for us for the remaining time of the year. The fortune paper is based on the year 2006 and what it told me is that my work is and will be going well but not much luck in the personal department (asa pa eh no) as this will come in later on. Never mind the latter, I'm all up for new deals and strategic closures!

Riding the shinkansen (bullet train) was an experience itself. First of all, it is very expensive to have that kind of transportation (think PhP15k for return) and since we need to go up north in Tokyo we had no choice but to go via shinkansen. It's nice because they have cars (coaches) that allow you to smoke and you can even reserve your seats. The best thing about it is even if the speed is like 300km/hr you wouldn't feel it. But damn, that ride was fast! Not to mention that the whole time the weather was perfect! Especially in Miyagi and Sendai, my trench coat was the best thing I got.

Overall, great people I've met along the way made the trip more than memorable. Ebisui-san helped me carry my stuff (heavy stuff that is) the whole time we were travelling; Matsuoka-san was totally funny and not your usual Japanese! Such a nice respite. My colleagues from Costa Rica looked more like Hollywood actors even --- Carlos being Brendan Fraser while Javier being Lou Diamond Phillips. Hahaha.

=========

EBF - who would've thought? Talking to Hazel brought me to time space warp again. I'm not sure if things are still the same but I am quite surprised to see that I wrote something about it (like the entire story). Very cheesy and very sappy! How come life is complicated? I know I make it complex but can't it just be fine and dandy?

=========

Cut to present tense, the next few weeks to come will be like make or break. But not the end all and be all type of thing but yeah, I would need to again stretch myself and see if we can get it. Work wise that is. But I can't wait for his visit. :) Makes me think of the itinerary na but I don't want to be so eager beaver. I was complaining to him when he called me up because I accidentally deleted the pictures while uploading the pics of last night from my cam. Ugh...Liza would kill me! But anyway, I so want to talk to Hong Kiat na...I want to get his view but of course I'd have to wait for him to come back from his holiday. So while doing so, things are still status quo and I'll go my way.

Damn, this is a blog I know but somehow, I just can't go deeper in my writing yet and put everything here. But yeah, it feels nice having something to read about later on...and maybe laugh at myself for all the idiosyncracies I have!

Next question please

2006-10-16T23:52:00.000+08:00

So glad the past week is over. Taking it one week at a time and enjoying this till it's done.

From heading out of work at way past Gabe's bedtime, to enjoying Belgian beers with colleagues (yep, even with Rod and David!) to brainstorming over at Kipling's, the entire week that was bordered on stretching yourself. You just gotta have that kind of energy to keep up. Quite happy that I was even exchanging Friday night conversation with the MP guy himself. Yahoo.

On a personal note, I got myself a new goddaughter! Happy happy happy :) But the kicker of the week? I love you Kay. Do you love me?

Ano sasagot ko dun? Next question please...

Ugh...

2006-10-08T19:22:00.000+08:00

I just hope it is that time of the month to explain my mood swings lately. But right now...ugh...I feel pissed off over something. Just couldn't point at it yet! It's a good thing today's already Sunday and I could just put this to rest while I anticipate yet another week of being in the rat race.

Pero promise, naiirita talaga ako! I don't know if it's because I hate myself for being affected easily...or maybe I spent the whole day at home and didn't go to Wacat (hence this creative idleness)...but whatever it is, it damn hit some sensitive nerves in me to the point that I just want to call it a night. Ugh! Buti na lang by tomorrow makakalimutan ko na 'to.

Porch Night

2006-10-07T18:19:00.000+08:00

Wait lang, trying to upload this pic earlier but couldn't do so for some reason.

May isang cute dito ng araw nato...bwehehehe

Guess who's projecting? Hahaha

Anyway, went to Porch in BF the other night to hang out with my old buddies from grade school. Nice to see people from way back but the kicker then was boy bastos. I totally wished I never had the chance to meet him! As usual, thanks to Pop na naman...

More thoughts later on...

Saturday...at work

2006-10-07T17:45:00.000+08:00

Not that I am in the office, but, yeah I gotta do some work today. On a weekend, yep. Having just finished our business planning yesterday totally justified my stress level for the past few weeks and I'm sure in the weeks to come. It's not even the bad kind of stress because I normally thrive on it, breathing it day in and day out. That's what's keep me going! The $$$ I need to bring in the next few months is just wild --- I need to deliver, I gotta bring this to the next higher level. Pressure 101 at its finest. But to me, it's all good and I do look forward to the challenges happening along the way. After all, work is the ultimate combination of my professional and personal life, with the latter having some aspects that are but non-existing.
In fact, I spent the afternoon buying some stuff for the two high level execs whom we will be accompanying somewhere by next week. I hope they will like our little token because I surely would want to buy myself one but I guess later on na lang. Got some other priorities I need to focus on. I know things are works-in-progress...sooner or later I do hope I can see the fruits of my labor!

Anyway, some pictures from our mid-year planning. The place is great and can be the perfect venue for those people wanting to hibernate from the world. I surely would go there again given the chance.

And you go to this kind of place to talk about work...why not

With Lisa and Jon

Incidentally, can you imagine that Jon is like a spitting image of (drumroll pls) someone from the past? Yep, this is the blast from the past. He seems to be the missing twin of JJ!

Videoke fever with Jon and Marlon

Happy Monthsary!

2006-10-01T20:41:00.000+08:00

Ok, time for some cheesiness.

Wish I could say happy monthsary to a new relationship, but sorry to burst the bubble but not yet. Not yet. :) It's been a month since I made a move to a new job and so far, so good. It is work that keeps me going and ties me up with a lot of things. But of course, that did not stop me from taking some time to do some idiosyncracies every now and then. In a way, life is getting better for me and I can only pray that I keep the momentum going. I am happy with the new friends I've made and happier that I am still keeping the friends I have from my first job to my previous one. I don't really surprise myself because I've always been the type who remembers to keep in touch. Heck, I do still go out with my friends from grade school!

They say to whom much is given much is expected. And that holds true in my case, especially when it comes to my deliverables. I welcome the challenge and I feel that this can only make me work harder and achieve more. Recently I had the second wave of wanting to go overseas to work and that is part of my short term plan. Just need to finish the damn MBA and settle the personal life that is but forever complicated and shouting for simplicity. To this and a lot more, I can only say cheers! Here's to a bottle of beer for my first month. Life can only get better.

And when I say better, it means being in that kind of disposition when you put an end to things that are hanging; to the things that are not meant to be. It is but a series of events that could no longer move forward, much less beyond. And this soooo applies to certain things in my life that I can just leave it to fate and to God to work their wonders. From my end, I've done my part and nothing more can be done to say that I didn't do my best. It's more of a question of what else do I have to do that I haven't done yet. I am saying goodbye and see you around twice. Two moments happening simultaneously that you wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Or with him. Whatever it is, the fact remains that decisions have been made and growing old does not allow us to make mistakes anymore. I can only hope and pray that damn, I am doing the right thing.

Saturday mornings

2006-09-30T10:44:00.000+08:00

Been a while since I woke up like this on a Saturday. By this, I mean waking up somewhere else, with a view different from what I used to see. Something like that. Very tiring night! I have a different kind of hangover...maybe the kind that makes you think more? Damn...my hands are full from all the other personal stuff I need to settle and now I add something more. Ugh....ganyan talaga ang buhay! If you can't beat them, join them!

The blast that was last night involved Cena, Temple, Cafe Havana and Jill's. Wanted to post some pics pero later on na lang when the whole thing progresses. Haha. Meanwhile:

Wish I can do this everyday. Waking up relatively stress-free and with little noise surrounding me.

What is life anyway but an attempt to enjoy the fleeting moment? Here I go again!

The Horridness That Is Milenyo

2006-09-29T18:25:00.000+08:00

And so the last two days of the week are spent in total blackout; at least as far as Manila is concerned. Lots of trees on the road, billboards crashed and here I am stealing some wireless network available just to check out Julia's pics in Toledo, Spain and see who makes her heart beat a little faster this time around. In a while I gotta go pick Jason up and see where the road will take us. I sure hope Greenbelt is open by now! My social life (or the lack thereof) is so dependent on this blackout-stricken city!

Bad stuff that Milenyo caused: cancelled prezo at work plus the business planning that is supposed to be in Mimosa. Ugh...I could've ticked two things out of my to-do list and now this whole typhoon just prolonged my agony. Well at least regained some energy in the process. Anyway...

Back from Cebu the other day from a business trip. Surprisingly, Rodney seems to be acting just like our age! Haha. Good fun, except for the fact that I was wiped out for the two nights we were there.

Didn't realize I'd get to be in another assembly line after my OJT stint

Ehem ehem...made in the Philippines yan!

With Rodney and Marlon at the poolside in Marriott

Some "slight" effect of alcohol. Bwahahaha!

Remnants of Ella's Wedding

2006-09-24T16:10:00.000+08:00

Was surfing the web and finally threelogy uploaded Vic and Ella's video. Aliw! Ella is a very radiant bride --- for a while I got teary eyed looking at how she walked down the aisle. It's so her!

Fol Rana uploaded also this pic in his blog. Hehe...konting exposure :D

Some artsy shot eh?

What's going on

2006-09-23T23:05:00.000+08:00

Life in pictures.

At O'neal's wedding with baby marshmallow cheeks Marielle. Cute!!!

Gabe's day in DLSZ

Gabe and his buddies goofing around

With the newlyweds...tinding kadurugan na naman

Ganun talaga

2006-09-23T20:24:00.000+08:00

Eh biglang umulan. Dapat pupunta ko sa dati kong opisina para magyosi. Ang kulimlim ng panahon. Siguro nadama niya ang kaguluhan ng buhay ko kaya di rin niya alam kung aaraw ba o uulan. Bakit ganun? Kala ko maayos na ko --- yun pala, sobrang layo ko sa matino. Ni hindi nga ako makapagisip nang maayos, alam mo yun? Sabay ngayon ako matatakot. Ang tanda ko na para magkamali. Magkamali na ngayon kesa sa magkamali after 10 years diba ? Di ako pwedeng magdesisyon ng mali dahil ang dami kayang nakasalalay. Ilagay mo na sa mababaw pero kahit yung paggising ko nang maaliwalas nakadepende yun sa kung ano ba talaga. Ugh!!!

Ang tanong ko lang --- bakit ako napunta sa dati kong kinalalagyan? Ngayon di ko na talaga alam kung ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng pagiging masaya. Ano ba yun? Alalahin ko kaya yung Happiness Within ko, circa 2004? Parang ganun eh. Yung nasa kaibuturan ng puso mo na kahit bangag ka alam mo di mo macocompromise. Ano ang dapat bigyan ng importansya sa napakagulong mundong ito? Hahayaan ko na lang bang lagpasan ako nito --- sa panahon na buhay pa ko --- at piliting ipikit ang mga mata ko sa mga bagay na alam kong totoo? O magpakabayani ako at ipaglaban, tingnan kung hanggang saan at hanggang kelan ako aabot. Yung tipong matira ang matibay? Susmaryosep, been there done that! Magpapakamanhid na lang ba ako? Tutal di ko naman mabawi ang dapat mabawi, ano pang saysay? Yun nga lang bawal ang eye contact. Kasi pag tinitigan mo ang mga mata ko, meron siyang sinasabing totoo. At yung totoong yun ang pinakamatinding bagay. Kung pwede lang magkakatarata ngayong mga panahon na to!

Ang alam ko nung Sunday nilagnat na ko. Tapos nagisip isip. Monday, nangangarag na. Eto na ang Tuesday, after maging mga basang sisiw sa Dela Costa dahil sa ulan, punta kami sa Apo. Pinagalitan ako ng kaibigan ko, sinermonan, pinangaralan at nilagay ang pagiisip ko sa tamang kinalalagyan. Pero ang tanong, hanggang kelan? Eh after 2 hours lang nakita ko sarili ko nasa harap na ng simbahan nakakatulog eh. Alam mo yun? Siguro kasi pag di mo na alam gagawin mo mapapadasal ka na lang talaga. Konti na lang, kasama na ko sa Tuesday club sa Baclaran. O kaya sa Thursday club sa St. Jude. Magpapakadeboto na lang ako haha. Nung Wednesday, nag dinner kasama ang mga Hapon sa Casa Armas. Papunta kami ni Jon sa Greenbelt tapos siyempre kwentuhan habang nagddrive, pinakinggan namin ang Kabilugan Ng Buwan...tamang durog so tamang kwento. Only to find out na it took him 7 years to realize kung sino talaga gusto niya. Hay, ayoko nang ganun, ayokong mangyari yun saken dahil hindi siya nakakatuwa. Nateary eyed sa Cafe Havana because of Mojito o Mojita (di ko namatandaan), kumain sa Rufus sabay hinatid si Marlon sa bahay. By the time dumating kami sa condo ni Jon, wala na kong maskara. Eh ganun talaga eh. Tangina, bakit pa kasi kelangan magproject diba?! Tapos ulitin natin ang nangyari nung isang gabi (hanggang sa mamatay tayo) at nakatulog uli ako sa harap ng simbahan. Umuwi, nakatulog sa sala. May mas pagod pa kaya sa akin? Sabay na kami magpagamot.

Sa Gweilo's kasama ko si Weng at si Coco, sabi ko sa sarili ko kelangan ko nang sabihin. Just like what Tara Holder used to say to me --- we need to pass on the love. Hahaha. Eh isipin ko muna sarili ko diba, kaya ayun. Pinuntahan ko siya, kinausap at narelieve dahil nagawa ko na ang gusto kong gawin. Kala mo madali pero one of those things that I normally wouldn't do. Siguro ganun talaga buhay. Yung inaasam ng mga tao na katahimikan makukuha lang yun kapag wala ng latak sa sistema natin? Walang baggages, wala ng dapat na finifilter. Medyo natahimik na ako at nasettle na. Pero di ako magpapakasanto para sabihin na ganun na lang yun. Well in a way, wala na akong magagawa. Kelangan ko na lang antayin ang panahon na ops, game over, ok na ako.

So sa 4 na araw na lumipas na nakatulog ako sa simbahan, nakatulog sa sala at nasusuka sa kabadtripan, naisip ko dapat finale ang Friday. Buong linggo kaya dumaan ako sa butas ng karayom. Birthday ni Ms Che, tamang usap din with Ms Tiny. Alam mo yung feeling na you want to learn from other people's stories in the hope that you wouldn't be in the same rut as they were before, assuming may mga pinalagpas? Yun lang naman yung katangi tangi kong pag-asa na magkanda leche leche na, ang importante masaya ko at hindi fake. Kaso ang daming tao na di na totoo ngayon eh...so how can I even compete with that? Naisip ko na lang, i-eenjoy ko na lang ang mga lakad ko sa mga susunod na panahon. Wala pa ko sa stage na if you can't beat them join them. Pero medyo malapit na. Haha. Konti pang pilit.

Ang pinakamatindi pa diyan, pinadalhan ako ng bulaklak at sulat kahapon. At tinanong at sinabihan. Ang gulo ng buhay. Kung pwede lang uminom ng gamot para magiba ang ihip ng hangin at magbago ang isip, matagal ko nang ginawa yun. Ano ba ang mali sa akin? Eto lang, kung mali na lang talaga yun ayoko nang maging tama. Nak!!! Talagang to the tune of if loving you is wrong then I don't want to be right. Ay sus. Tapos na ang lahat. May mga tao na na masaya na ngayon. Ang tangi ko na lang masasabi ay sana nga. Sana nga masaya na. Nang matahimik na ang dapat matahimik. :-)

Catching up with my life

2006-09-18T00:23:00.000+08:00

I wrote a damn long entry and it disappeared. Punyeta! Need a smoke break!

The Soundtrack of my Life

2006-08-29T12:57:00.000+08:00

"I've been thinking about this...Well, I always kind of wanted to write a book that all took place within the space of a pop song, you know, like 3 or 4 minutes long. The story, the idea is that...there's this guy. And...he's totally depressed! I mean, his great dream was to be a lover, an adventurer, you know, riding motorcycles through South America, and instead he's sitting at a marble table, eating lobster, and he's got a good joband a beautiful wife, right. You know, everything that he needs. But that doesn't matter, 'cause what he wantsis to fight for meaning.You know, happiness is in the doing, not in the...getting what you want. So, he's sitting there, and just at a second, his little five year old daughter hops up on the table. And he knows thatshe should get down 'cause she could get hurt, but she's dancing to this pop song, in a summer dress. And he looks down, and all of a sudden,he is sixteen. And... his high school sweetheart is dropping him off, at home. And they've just lost their virginity, and she loves him, and the same song is playing on the car radio, and she climbs up and startsdancing on the roof of the car. And now,now he's worried about her! And she is beautiful, with a...a facial expression just like his daughter's. In fact, you know, maybe that's why he even likes her. You see, he knows he's not remembering this dance, he's there. He's there in both moments simultaneously. And just like for an instance, all his life is just folding into itself and it's obvious to him that time is a lie...that's it's all happening all the time and inside every moment is another moment, all...you know, happening simultaneously. And, that's kind of the idea... anyway." --- Jesse, Before Sunset

The idea that inside every moment is another moment and they're both happening at the same time is just sooo real. Last night I was listening to my brother's MP3IO and in an instant I was surrounded with all things that have happened in my life for the past couple of years and how I got to be at this point. Of course doing that while I'm rubbing Gabe's back and he's sleeping and snoring.

It's silly you know? You go through the directory of mp3s, check the categories and you browse. Hmm...modern rock? Pop acoustic? My comfort zone RnB? Wedding songs, how about that? The fact that I can choose which song to listen to can actually make me choose which episodes in my life I would want to remember. But knowing me, I'd remember them all given the chance. Why not? Life is all about the hits and misses isn't it. You mess up and get up and pray that you could turn out to be a better version of yourself in between.

Listening to KCi and Jojo's This Very Moment very well transports me back to my crazy 2004! I swear to God...there really are songs that you associate to certain people who have that impact in your life. Whether significant or otherwise is immaterial as it can be very subjective. Makes me wonder...what happened to him...and after 3 minutes...I listen to Norah Jones and highlights of 2003 come flashing in my mind. Sergio Mendes, Peter Mayer, Oasis, Earth Wind and Fire...damn...definitely are music to my ears.

If my life was a movie, the soundtrack would have to be...(abangan). :D

What's Done is Done

2006-08-27T16:21:00.000+08:00

After a crazy week, I'm finally regaining my energy. The past week has been busy struggling to get into the mood of turning over my work load, studying for my two finals and at the same time waking up sane to another day. Fortunately, what's done is done and I don't have to go back to this week. But of course, the weeks ahead are all toxic in their own right, which can only mean that I will cross the bridge when I get there. Jusme, one at a time naman.

Had a farewell session with my colleagues at Red Box. The brother rocks!

Ms Che missing in the pic

With a visiting ex-colleague, TK. Competitors now :D

Minsanan lang to eh. Bwahahaha

In a sentimental mood

2006-08-18T20:07:00.000+08:00

As if this is unusual! I'm on the last stages of getting my (personal) stuff out. Damn. I'm beginning to have this funny feeling of missing the people I've been with for the past three years! Since I am still in the office and decided to take my accounting finals next week, having this free time makes me feel the detachment that is bound to happen soon. And I allowed myself to reel in this emotion because next week is THE week.

Remembering when I first started out here, I begin to be caught in the moment when I first went to Singapore and all the firsts that followed thereafter --- losing our way in Japan (Karl and myself), holidaying in Taiwan and staying at our CD's condo, driving up to KL and so many other things. I have about three boxes of anything SingTel-ish to bring home that would always give me so many fond memories. If we don't start talking about work, my stay here has been very very good. How can I just not miss everything?

SGO Colleagues, Singapore March 2004

Despedida for John, Bora Bar May 2005

Hala...cge!

HK's birthday, Jill's July 2005

Kick Off Meeting, Malaysia April 2005

A lot of other pictures would have to be put here to serve as a reminder of the endless possibilities. But life goes on and sooner or later, we will all see each other around :)

A Happy Problem

2006-08-16T19:12:00.000+08:00

And so the inevitable had to happen. I was relieved that he was happy for me, considering that my move can equate to what we call a huge turnover (all is relative by the way). But in any case, I decided not to attend the dinner. What's a futile exercise for anyway?

I googled for inspiration on what I can see regarding a happy problem but found this (which doesn't answer the question). What to do? I am stuck here until God-knows-when (seriously, when they say 30 days notice, you better take it literally) and yet my future has already been making plans for me. Talk about being torn. If these were men, it would've been easier to handle. But my life till end of the year is at stake (I should be getting x3 by early September dammit!) so I need to decide wisely. My mentor is waiting for me at home and I'm trying to "celebrate" the things that transpired a while ago here at the office, looking at my area with a tug in my heart, with a feeling that this has been my home for almost three years. A LOT has happened in this freaking office and I'm not even talking about order processing or hitting the quota. I guess there really comes a time when people move on and we can only hope and pray that it's a move going forward.

I have to get out but I can only do so within a specified period of time. And the other one wants me to go start strutting my stuff with the very same people I'm working with right now! Beat that. So how? I'm so at a loss. Such a happy problem eh? If only life was this simple.

The little girl in me is so dependent on her daddy on how to go about this. Maybe even as if we mature and grow up, what our parents say will always matter right? God I'm just happy I still have my mom and dad with me! Our evening sessions always make my day. Marunong na ko makinig ngayon!

I'm Off

2006-08-10T22:11:00.000+08:00

Today is a very remarkable day. After 6 months, I finally got something I can run to (haha --- that just sounded like an emotional escape). Was eyeing a different destination before but Mother Nature has her ways of pulling me back...and I will still be here (as what my personal life dictates so). Anyway, yipee! It took my headhunter 6 months to find me and only spent 2 weeks to iron everything out. As what they say --- it's a perfect fit; time can be at your side sooner or later.

While talking to my dad about this, he was in his usual element of imparting to me the wisdom of a mentor to his protege. He's definitely my mentor and I am his protege. I'm so always a work in progress!

DJC: Boss, I'm resigning. Effective two weeks from now.
Fictitious Boss: What? Our standard notice is 30 days. Follow the rules.
DJC: Oh don't stress me out anymore. I might get sick.
Fictitious Boss (thinks to himself): Fuck the sick leave.

Bwahahahaha. My dad's humor is great; not so surprisingly my youngest brother got that from him.

It's going to be a tough two weeks (or so, depends) for me from now on. Need to finish all my deliverables and turn over so that the past will not hunt me anymore (which, by the way, is so un-Kayish). I need to make a smooth transition and welcome my new beginning. Yahoo! I can't wait. Since I have not heard from the other side of the world (how can two people from different time zones leave at almost the same time and not do something about it?), bet I should just forego my HK trip end this month and go on with my life as planned.

But whatever it is, I am truly excited. I'm so happy for me!

Almost There

2006-08-08T18:43:00.000+08:00

Just finished an afternoon meeting on what could be yet another beginning for me. Sometimes I ask myself, must we really get out of something in order to start anew? Aren't we able to start anew while we are in the middle of it, without necessarily undergoing certain changes? I guess so. Otherwise, how to start all over again if the limitations are right smack in front of you and we are unable to go beyond that? We all make a move sooner or later anyway.

In any case, I am sooo excited! Getting out is something I don't normally do, although I'm so conscious of being in the comfort zone. A lot of times I've seen people grow old in whatever it is that they are doing only to end up in an equilibrium; a maintenance of sorts that neither growth nor the lack of it can wake up their senses. Then again maybe it is a matter of contentment? Maybe my hands are just full right now what with all the obligations I have to fulfill --- it's overwhelming. And that (at the very least) is what keeps me going.

We'll see how this goes. But yeah, I'm smiling. :-)

Arigato Gozaimas! Haha.

Friday Musings

2006-08-04T14:19:00.000+08:00

Decided not to go to work today. Everything is just blah.

Clive went on to hand his resignation letter but I haven't exactly heard of the details yet. It really doesn't help to know that a lot of your colleagues are leaving and all for the same reason. Well yeah, somehow, we have all the same underlying issues why we all want to move on. I just hope I get to do the same sooner than I think.

I figured things will be better when I see myself in everything that is new. You know? New people to talk to, new environment to be in, new things to do. But until then, all I have is that wishful thinking. Damn, how I long for that moment! Somewhere in between I gotta fast track what needs to be fast tracked.

It's my dad's birthday today...and as usuall, birthdays make me nostalgic --- if not even melodramatic. Haha! My old man is the coolest I tell you --- while I drink my issues away, he is just there listening to me and amusing me with stories from his 56 years of experience. Life is great and only now that I love my family even more. After all, who stands by you when the going gets dark?

It helps

2006-08-02T16:53:00.000+08:00

Ahhh...the beauty of poetry.

I love the little by little part. Sure it connotes time and healing, and to me there is movement...until all else is lost and empty. I guess when you attempt to forget someone, you should attempt to forget everything about them. Like you could only look back with bittersweet memories.

The horridness of it all --- if only I have amnesia!
But yeah...I'm feeling better this time around.

====================

If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn
at my window,
if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail toward
those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day, at that hour,
I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But if each day, each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live
it will be in your arms without leaving mine.

Pablo Neruda

Her (Broken) Heart

2006-07-28T16:43:00.000+08:00

Or better yet, a haiku for those who are lost:

World is vast, scary
Empty days and empty nights
She can't wait no more

Ng Hwee Boon

2006-07-25T16:10:00.000+08:00

She used to be the CD of US for around 2 years and I've never met her at that time. After which she was heading Julia's team back in Consumer before transferring to SGO.

A few months back, she moved to our department and my boss started reporting to her. The day I met her...damn...she's one of a kind. The perfect vision of what I wanted my mentor to be like --- cool and at the same time involved with my work...basically someone I can talk to casually yet work with full blast. But of course, that's the scarcity we have in Manila. She wanted to have Tiger when we were in the karaoke bar; but hesitated because Masagos was right beside us. Well, Masagos is just the CEO of SGO...why not. Bwahahaha.

Sadly, she's leaving. Damn it...I wanna join the bandwagon! Guess there really is more to life than this. Heck, I don't want to spend 20 years in the industry and then decide to smell the flowers or maybe sing a song! I wanna do it now! Or maybe do it both at the same time. Or do them all at once? I don't know. All I'm sure of is I need a fucking change. After all, life is short.

At 28

2006-07-24T12:11:00.000+08:00

Because time itself is like a spiral, something special happens on your birthday each year: The same energy that God invested in you at birth is present once again. --Menachem Mendel Schneerson

A birthday asalto dinner...New York cheesecake...choco mocha crunch cake...a birthday card...a shopping spree... flowers...a cashmere shawl...celebrating your birthday is just damn good! Add to that the fact that my birthday week is all about shabu shabu --- I swear I've never seen so much soup in my life! Hahaha.

With Isha at Cantonese Kitchen

SingTel minus two

With heavy rains flooding the city by Wednesday night, I decided not to go to work on Thursday. Mark picked me up, went to Rockwell (birthday present...yahoo!!!) and had another shabu shabu session over at Mini Shabu Shabu.

Yummy!!!

Waited for the clock to strike at 12 midnight after which Mark had to ask me to go get him some tea (style!!!) and to my surprise when I came back, he was lighting the candle on my birthday cheesecake! How sweet is sweet?

Woohoo...bente otso!!!

And a surprise from the mail...

Thanks Jogo!

Who wouldn't be excited on their special day? I've always loved birthdays and as a way of changing my world, I decided a long time ago to keep track of the birthdays of the people in my life. From grade school friends to friends in my MBA classes, it really does make a difference if you remember and do not forget. It does for me, especially that I keep a list of the people who didn't forget to greet me. To the ones who did, well...next year na lang. Haha.

I guess the highlight of my birthday is this simple one: that of spending it with my family. Surprisingly, this is the first time we actually went out (and together with Mark at that...nak!!!) as I have always spent my birthday with my friends either partying or partying (take your pick). This year is such a refreshing change!

Shabu shabu isn't really one of my favorite things on earth.

How priceless is priceless?

I had a happy celebration...and all for the right reasons :-)

Me...Delinquent

2006-07-11T10:50:00.000+08:00

Damn...it's been what...almost a month? Almost a month of not updating this virtual journal I have created to supposedly keep track of what's happening in my life. Ugh...but the joys of blog surfing just keep me so hooked that I forget to update mine! Hahaha.

I am a better version of myself these days. I feel like the certainty and the clarity I need are around the corner already. At times I can see them lurking around! Pray and keep your fingers crossed...it's been quite sometime that I am learning the ropes of the vicious cycles life can sometimes be made of...

Kinda not uneasy anymore but more of at peace...taking things one at a time and just catching up with whatever life is giving me.

=============================

JOSE GABRIEL NICOLAS C. JAVIER

As we have proceeded to change his last name sometime May (in prepartion for his schooling at Zobel), here's his first day in a bigger school.

Yes, I hear you. My boy is a spitting image of his dad. I just had to say it for the nth time. Hahaha.

Sizing up the territory...

Gabe with his best bud Matthew goofing around while on the way home

With Gabe now requiring early morning attention, my body clock has suddenly changed from the anything-goes to the straightforward, routinary mode. His bedtime is strictly at 9pm and I'm happy to note that he's disciplined about it! Even my folks were surprised that he would turn the TV off a few minutes before 9 and even if we jokingly coerce him to stay up and watch Dino Thunder on cable he would profusely refuse. Hahaha...kids like Gabe make me inspired to be disciplined myself! It's quite challenging though if I get home late because of MBA class (and otherwise)...I feel like I'm a ghost when I wake up at 5am! The sleepyhead in me goes about the motherly duties silently while trying to wake up the senses with the help of cigs.

=============================

VENTOSA ROCKS!!!

Ventosa, or moxibustion, is the typical tanggal-lamig in Filipino culture. I was hesitant for the longest time as I have an idiosyncracy of not being at ease if it's done at home (Gabe and his playing around makes the whole exercise kinda futile). My mom and my sister are all thumbs up about it, however, I feel that it looks kinda funny!!! Hahahaha. My first moxibustion was done while I was studying for my Finacc midterms --- of all the time!

Here's what it looks like:

Now that pic above doesn't look quite good does it? To me it's seems more like a witchcraft that an anti-stress technique!

Here is me...my first Ventosa session!

I am definitely a stressed woman. Ironically, while doing an exercise that cuts down on stress, here I am studying trying to ace my accounting exams!!! Forgive the OC woman in me. And forgive the fact that my Lolo loves Lily's peanut butter and I had to contend with the peanut butter glasses while doing this session! Hahahaha!

Dazed and Confused

2006-06-15T19:25:00.000+08:00

To add more to the confusion I am currently in...choices, choices, choices. What to do?

===========================

What is it about you Kay that gets me thinking and sets me all flustered and excited to go to school everyday to check if you’ve mailed… I have many question marks upon my head and I don’t necessarily need the answers. Like I’ve said before, I conversed more intellectual issues with you, within that 24hours than I did with Ms Chen in that one year we had. Bottom line is Kay, I’ve realized that I’m just very physically attracted to her and that’s about it. Just failed to see the bigger picture about life and the kinda person I wanna have by my side when I'm all grey and wrinkly and yet laugh about all the youthful past that we had. I need to go beyond that skin deep level. Its 150am right now. Joined some frens at a karaoke night club… those with women that sit with u. Was my superficial self, but i'ts all an empty shell in me. Had a superficial chat with the gal who sat with me. Didn’t do anything… a fact that I'm ok with and something that my frens didn’t approve. But what the hell…they do understand. Its freaking 155am and the alcohol in my blood stream is expiring… I’ve yet to say how I feel about you… I can’t really tell right now until we meet up again. You are a really gorgeous girl with an exquisitely beautiful heart and mind and I see myself as lucky to have a connection with you. Honest to goodness, I'm not trying to butter u up… it’s a fact as far as I’m concerned.

===========================

I apologize. I'm doing it all over again. It's just that I've never seen you like this before, and it just got me thinking, you know? What if something did happen and we'd never see each other again? And I-I never got to... So in yet another classic maneuver to avoid emotional intimacy, I wrote my feelings down so that I could write them to you, thereby eliminating embarrassing eye contact... I'm not good with my words when I'm around with you. I want to let you in on a secret. I'm not who you think I am. In fact, my disguise is so thin; I'm surprised you haven't seen right through me. I'm the man of your dreams masquerading as your friend. Sometimes I want to rip off this facade like I did the last time, but I can't because you'll get scared and you'll run away. So I decided that it's better to live with a lie than expose my true feelings. All my life I've learned that there are two types of man. The ones you grow out of and the ones you grow into. I really hope I'm the latter. I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me because I think you're worth the wait. I guess that's my way of saying that you mean a lot to me, Kay. And I know it's not very eloquent... ...but I guess some people are just better with words than others.

===========================

I've been stuck in this rut for quite a while now. And I'm not doing anything about it. In the absence of any clear-cut direction and certainty and clarity. My personal life is hazy nowadays --- a lot of smoke and I just gotta wait for that time until everything falls to its place. But I'm bad...at times I think I compromise their emotions by just letting myself be...not having "the talk" and not letting them in on what is my emotional dilemma at the moment. But do I owe them that? Part of me is scared, part of me is hesitant because maybe there are other better things in store for me? I don't know! I can't decide. I can't risk. Too scared. Kinda getting ancient in this risk taking business that I thought I was used to for the longest time. I am a lost woman...a very lost woman treading in dangerous grounds. One minute I will have the focus I am looking for only to lose it the next time around. I guess that's why my friend isn't really supportive of all the moment rubbish? But that is the only way to live life in this crazy world right? Who knows if it is still with you the following day? Damn it. I try to enjoy what I am given and I end up so freaking confused to the point that I do not know what to do next and I just be quiet and be still and let the world pass me by. I am so going in circles! Ugh!!! You don't get to be almost 28 years old and be this way right? God must have his reasons.

The Consistent and The Constant

2006-06-03T17:55:00.000+08:00

Ok. Enough about those fleeting moments. I guess it's high time to give consideration to the people who stay in our lives isn't it? At least those who try.

Probably what my sister told me kinda made me think. Yeah...why not?

Maybe that's why women wait to see if men would actually call you after saying that they would...and maybe that's why relationships are just hard to maintain these days. It's either one of them decides to go or they are just in it for the wrong reasons. But I am in the middle of figuring out why some do stay...and why are they there in the first place...trying to be naive and innocent and unassuming because you never know...you never know if you are going to get hurt all over again! And maybe because I can only know in good time right? Damn the time element!

I just always find myself back to square one. How to go way beyond this...ugh!!! Of course, the Kay-ish in me would always say what the hell --- you gotta do what you gotta do...enjoy what is given to you.

Double ugh!!!

New Set of Discoveries

2006-05-31T16:48:00.000+08:00

So how? Went to KL a week and a half ago and all I could say is that again...one of life's mundane moments in letting you know that there is beauty in the kind of world we live in. Sometimes though it all gets momentary and fleeting but so what? We cannot control what could happen next and to play it well --- we just gotta deal with the cards we are dealt with.

Driving up to KL :D

Welcome to KL! With Guo Wei and Jules

My favorite Bakuteh dish...love it!

Partying at The Loft

So Jay Jay gets lucky...

While Logan waits for his turn...

With my sista-partner-in-crime Julia. One of a kind!

With our dear Guo Wei...

A BB moment right there...

For Better or For Worse...I Do

2006-05-28T13:15:00.000+08:00

Weddings. There really is something in weddings that strikes the emotional chord in me providing that much needed (im)balance to see the world from a different angle. Because as we get older, we tend to be jaded and wary of all the good things that can go our way. But attending weddings and being drawn to the serenity of the celebration to signify the union of love is another story. To me it connotes that at the end of the day, what matter most is being with someone, through thick and thin, as we journey the life given to us by the one above.

It was picture perfect. For a relationship that was 7 years long, marriage is what's next. And the fact that I went there with Mark and Gabe is truly monumental...although at one point it was kinda scary --- and forgive me when I wouldn't even begin to think of the latter.

Like Father Like Son --- undeniably!

With the newlyweds

More importantly, it was good having to see a very dear friend from way back. Got me to thinking of how precious friendships are as we get older. We learn from our mistakes as we move on and seeing her once again is enough to remind me of some of the best days of my life. It would've been perfect though if our other friend attended the wedding. But as well know, life ain't perfect --- you lose some, you win some :)

That was three years ago. Damn...it's been that long.

With Jill :D

6 Weeks And A Broken Heart

2006-05-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

I should be jailed for doing what I just did today. I broke the heart of a very good man.

I feel so bad. For the past few weeks I was reeling from the craziness of what love can do to me. Got the newness I was asking for and yet somehow, all of a sudden, I woke up one day looking for it and found it to be gone.

I have consumed his lifetime in mine.

Thought about the purpose of him in my life and mine in his and I guess he came for a reason. With him I have realized that I'm indeed capable of newness and surprisingly, able to move forward with what has happened in my life. It is all about fleeting moments. People come and people go. If we're lucky, some stay. Otherwise, we make do with the things given to us, move forward and cherish all things between. After all, our existence is but a composition of different lifetimes put together that can only get stronger and wiser in good time. In the absence of anything concrete, I try to see it on a nostalgic point of view. That at least for a moment, I could say that it was mine...and love was something I welcomed with open arms.

But kill me. Kill me for breaking his heart. Damn damn damn.

Musings on a Sunday Night

2006-05-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Yep...Sunday night and while in a state of reflecting on the things that have transpired, I light another cigarette to gather my thoughts. I finally got Gabe's pics on his birthday...

My little boy is 6 years old already!!!

Having fun with his school buddies...

Gabe acting up because he doesn't like singing happy birthday twice...hahaha...

***

A late encounter Friday night made me realize that people do not change, well not unless they really would want to.

And that men who are insecure are just *blah*

And that a good and sensible conversation is always tops on my list...

A Blast from the Past and A Peek into the Future

2006-05-12T16:32:00.000+08:00

So I went to my girlfriend's office, had lunch and talked about silly stuff over tamarind soup and chicken teriyaki (and don't forget the carbo load --- ugh!!!). A guy (who used to be special) from not so long ago joined us and the conversation was of course limited to what can be informed to him and the rest of the nitty gritty was confined within the walls of the loo. I swear I love my girlfriends.

He still looked the same, although the hair was definitely shorter and the looks of the other people in the office seemed to convey that they knew what went on and they were waiting of what could happen next. I thought he looked thinner as well, or maybe he was just used to wearing tight fit shirts that shouted like his social calendar is filled with regular visits to the gym.

He said hi and the next few minutes were all about throwing a knowing smile and a stolen glance and I couldn't understand how come he cannot utter any other word aside from the usual greeting. He looked like he wanted to tell me something and I was eager to hear it (in person) straight from the horse's mouth. But I guess he couldn't muster enough strength that the whole time I was beside him he just doodled and explained to me how we can do some voice traffic for their company. Oh and I saw some scribbles of my name too. I felt like I was with a high school junior...trying to invite a girl out but couldn't just get through the motion. I allowed myself to remember the things that happened almost a year ago and I couldn't help but feel that another shot at this would mean another chance to be silly and stupid all over again. He's nice and all but somehow...it's not the same anymore.

Cut to present tense, I go to work and see someone giving me my breakfast and we eat the table and share the moment and talk about the previous night. I see someone squashing me so tight and planting kisses on me and professing the magnitude of his love for me. I smile and remain quiet and enjoy all that happens before my very eyes. A few heartaches ago I was longing to be with someone who can take care of me and accept me for who I am. I bring myself back to the now and see my power breakfast staring back at me. I look up to him and flash him a smile of surrender. Somehow, my heartaches had that power to bring me to where I am right now. And his love gave me a new life...like a second (or third or fourth, we never get tired don't we?) lease in what I thought was a finished chapter. He is the true difference between men who love you with their leery looks and those who claim they do with their false prophecies.

I sit back and wonder why. Then I remember that there is a God.

Me Slacking Off

2006-05-11T15:47:00.000+08:00

Ok. This is really utter boredom hitting me at this very hour but can you blame me? This has been a wonderful and refreshing hobby of mine for the past what --- a month or so? I am totally slacking off and need to get things going if I still intend to do something fruitful in the course of my natural life. Somehow, slowing things at work makes me happy --- it is indeed a guilty pleasure and a sweet revenge to the issues I've been dealing with, at least as far as my professional life is concerned. I go to work with no routine and no planned agenda at all...not counting what to have for breakfast though --- something that I've been used to doing :D

I surf blogs, check my mails (you never know when your next interview is coming up!), give myself a daily dose of my playlists and go talk to friends over at my messenger. It's mundane really...but there's good feeling that comes with it in doing something totally (un)productive. The pressure builds up as I see my workload increasing day in and day out until I finally realize that I need to spend how many sleepless nights just to clear my mails and tie all loose ends. The glamour of international work at its finest!

And it makes me check the clutter here in my laptop --- the personal files I've stored are obviously shouting for some storage and backup --- something I haven't done last January. I read some old mails, looked at some pictures and remembered the fleeting moments I've encountered. I swear, I will really die if my hard disk crashes to death and I don't have anything to bring it back. My memory can only retain so much!

So while I'm waiting for the energy to send the next email, I see this. Nothing major, nothing fancy...it just turned up when I googled for things to do when you are slacking off at work. Hahahaha. At least I am not out there messing on somebody else's personal life!

Blame it on the season, blame it on the office environment, I am just so lazy to work.

Just Like Heaven

2006-05-11T15:10:00.000+08:00

Ever felt what it's like to be in heaven? Impossible, not unless we're way up there but maybe in this lifetime I was quite close to it...just recently. The little high school girl in me is very much satisfied, happy and at peace :-) What a wonderful world this is! Now if only I could turn back the time...

It makes me remember, ironically, how I was two years back when the craziness hit me. Suddenly, I found myself driving in the middle of the night to some place I haven't been for the longest time. It was a spur of the moment thing and no one could stop me. We talked and enjoyed the rest of the night for reasons only God could understand. We were brought together by our different circumstances and somehow there was a common thread that linked us. And what do you know, I was driving again back to the very same place the following day. God must have an explanation.

Part of me wants to leave the place that I am in so I could start anew. Start it fresh without having anyone giving me that kind of look that indirectly says "why???" Not that I've been getting that but maybe I just don't want to provide that avenue. I want to get out, I want the two of us to get out, better ourselves and come back. So many dreams, so little time. I want to call out to Shaider and get that time space warp moving. Move it fast please!

But of course, at the end of the day, I can only do so much. I go back to square one and tell myself that life is all about moments --- like each day, each hour is a lifetime on its own and we must treasure it while it is still with us. Thankfully, my prayers at night help me so much in welcoming the new day with a smile.

Rumi-ing

2006-05-03T17:08:00.000+08:00

Whoever Brought Me Here Will Have To Take Me Home
by Jelaluddin Rumi

All day I think about it, then at night I say it. Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea.My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there.
This drunkenness began in some other tavern. When I get back around to that place, I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile, I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary. The day is coming when I fly off,but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice? Who says words with my mouth?
Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul? I cannot stop asking. If I could taste one sip of an answer, I could break out of this prison for drunks. I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way. Whoever brought me here, will have to take me home.

"...out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there's a field. I'll meet you there". - Rumi

=============================================

Questions, questions and more questions. No answers yet but I guess all in good time. I am just but going with the flow and trying to enjoy it as much as I can. I prayed for newness and God gave it to me. Didn't realize it was this soon but I'm not complaining. Love is a gift. What to do when you are given that? Do you refuse it or accept it? It's not something you get to have everyday...and it's not something you have forever either (if you're not that lucky I guess). Maybe I am prolonging the so-called agony for my selfish reasons just so I am not caught off-guard, unaware. Or maybe I am giving myself time to think things over. But the bottomline is, I've told myself that it is not my focus right now --- after a frustrating relationship, it definitely is not something I would look for again. But the world surprised me and I am left bereft and numb.

Oh the horridness that comes with it.

My Poetic Justice

2006-05-01T01:17:00.000+08:00

The circle widens mostly on a superficial level and the real ones are hard to come by. But sometimes you get lucky. So you keep what you treasure the most - family, friends and moments gone by. One end is thankful and the other is hopeful. And you wish then that all things between can be heard by the one above with the prayers you say at night. Happiness is a journey and somewhere along the way something mundane makes it all worth it, whether you reach your destination or not. You look in one direction and you realize that a second glance feels nice and feels right. And so you're open to all possibilities because this life you lead makes it happen. You think that time is nothing but an exercise of patience and you don't rush and distance is not a limitation but a gap you know you can bridge. There are no borders and you break the walls that could've existed before. So you get yourself out from the horridness and cruelty and take things slow and let the world surprise you everyday. You don't worry anymore and you are happier and at peace. You are no more bound to what you thought was an eternal curse and you learn to choose and you do something new. Life is so much better at this point and you are still in the middle of your journey. You feel the rays of the sun touch your skin and it's not burning you. Instead, you bask in the warmth it brings. And when all is said and done, you smile because it was with you and you go ahead. You don't linger and this time around, you turn your back and pursue the unknown. And what do you know, you see that the world smiles back at you. :)

The Grade Scale and other Issues

2006-04-26T13:35:00.000+08:00

So happy with what I got for my first term in MBA! More than what I expected but very rewarding considering that I pay for my schooling. Happy happy happy! Just need to keep this momentum and maintain that DL which has been my goal eversince.

In other news, I am still reeling from the fact that the one thing I've been waiting for didn't push through yesterday. It was again postponed at a later date and I can't help but feel *blah.* I got so excited about this, did my homework and yet nothing's happening. Then again I should just channel my energy somewhere else and pray that I'd be time space warped to that day. Because otherwise, I would really have to do a good job pretending at work!

Come to think of it, with all of this I-need-newness mode that I've been trying to imbibe (the haircut, people I talk to and the things I do), somehow it rubs off in my work. I deal with the same people day in and day out and it's not fun anymore! All the straight-laced image and the fact that most of them are oh-so-prudent, God, is there something I can do? I've been wanting to go on a long break to take a holiday somewhere but can't seem to find the appropriate time due to different and more pressing priorities. But maybe, a holiday would help me get myself back in the mood. It's just so hard doing what you don't feel like doing anymore! I'd rather go read Jeannette Winterson's work. Inspiring and a better choice at that.

Randomness

2006-04-23T12:43:00.000+08:00

It has been such a loooong time since I've written something here! Oh well, time just goes by so fast you forget to update what's happening in your personal life (or the lack of it actually). There have been a lot of significant changes (and hopefully more to come) that transpired recently --- giving me the much needed peace and relief I'm currently enjoying (to my surprise). Think the only thing that I hope to improve on is work. God I've been slacking off for a month or so already! Everything is just blah --- waking up early, going to work and worst of all, pretending you're damn busy!

Gabe's turning 6 this coming Sunday! It's been that long huh? I'm so excited!

============================================

I've been rereading some old personal emails and found this:

Wish you were there at the party I went to tonight.
I wish I was there with you.
Would be good if we danced here together.
Dancing is part of my plan. Just give me thirty years.
You have to dance with me when I'm there.
Haha. Really. If you can make me.
Remember who surprised who.
Haha. Let's see if you have the winning streak.
And what's my prize if I win?
Name it.
You.
Not a bad choice.
The only choice.

And to my delight, a conversation like this actually transpired:

Road to Taming
a conversation between him and myself

He starts...

"Busy at work?"

"You know I can never be too busy for someone like you."

"Flattery will get you nowhere. With you I just lose all sense of time."

"I'm not going anywhere. Still here. Well with you there is more life into a time with no boundaries."

"Thank you. Why are you so pandurog? With you I just look at all the limitless hope that avail themselves."

"At least you're smiling."

"I can only look at you for injecting a healthy shot of pandurog into my life."

"I didn't inject any. You made it happen to yourself. Because you saw the beauty in it."

"It is easier to smile about everything in life than spending a lifetime stressing over things we have no control of."

"Don't rely on what you can only see. You just have to close your eyes and trust whatever's inside you. Because there is truth behind it."

"It has been years since I trusted my heart. I've yet to relearn compromising between my heart and mind again. Thank goodness I have a lot of patience and understanding."

"When you've seen enough, that's the time you close your eyes. That's the time you trust your heart."

"Here I was thinking it was your beauty that I saw."

"Is it enough then? Remember that once you've fully accepted what's inside you, you can easily detach yourself in a way that you wouldn't get consumed by it."

And so I end.

============================================

It's crazy isn't it? Life is unpredictable and whatever will happen in the future really depends on the choices we make. I'm not gonna start on the whole destiny or serendipity issue but one thing is for sure --- I've been there and done that! Haha. Not that I don't want another dose of it but I still think I'm better off without another repeat. Thinking about it, it was good while it lasted. I was crazy, in love and totally vulnerable. And a mess in the process! I was at my lowest when it crumbled right before my eyes and it took some time for me to get going again. He would try to keep in touch and when he went here for a holiday, I almost agreed to meet him. But eventually got turned off --- am I supposed to work within his limited schedule? I don't think so honey.

That was my 2004. Damn...it has been 2 years.

My So-Called Abstinence

2006-03-02T20:22:00.000+08:00

In the priest's homily yesterday in celebration of Ash Wednesday, it was mentioned that as part of the Lenten season, we should be able to abstain on certain things as part of our sacrifice. I'm very much weak when it comes to eggs (super favorite, together with pancit canton :D) and I want them runny and soft and I almost always have them everyday --- to the point that I'm having allergy attacks. Protein overdose I guess. I've been thinking of trying to cut down on it (take note no mention still of smoking --- my worst vice) but I haven't been successful today.

I'm still affected by the recent goings-on in my personal life, and admittedly, I have a loooong way to go as far as moving on is concerned. Although I try to take it one day at a time and focus on the other important things, at the end of the day, thoughts surrounding this particular aspect always come to mind. Sometimes I end up crying silently while looking for that sweet spot to lull me to sleep --- I do miss him. Heck, I miss him everyday. And it takes a lot from me NOT to want to see him. In the absence of certainty, I guess it may be better to consider this as my abstinence --- or the ultimate sacrifice of just retreating back to my corner and sacrificing what little time I could spend to cherish some memories about him. I need to be busy, busier and maybe busiest at this point in my life and if that's what it takes, why not. I haven't been praying much lately; and maybe now is the best time to start doing that in the hope that maybe I could put some sense to my paralyzing brain and be able to feel good about that decision I have made not too long ago. I refuse to be vulnerable and weak, I don't want to go back to square one.

Sacrifice, abstinence, giving up, these are just some of the things running on in my mind while I try to go through the misery brought about by a love that has failed. Will I ever have my own kind of resurrection? More importantly, the kicker is if I can even rise from the dead. It sounds bitter but I'm not. I guess it's high time to just simply concentrate on what's in my hands right now --- and probably to stop having my eggs tomorrow morning. For a start.

Cheesy Lyrics

2006-02-28T18:36:00.000+08:00

Had this short guessing song game with a friend of mine. Hay...one of my favorite songs of all time:

...But one day the sun came shining through
The rain has stopped and the skies were blue
And oh what a revelation to see
Someone was saying I love you to me...

Damn...in this world that can get cruel at times, a little love goes a long long way...

Frustrated and Sad

2006-02-26T13:51:00.000+08:00

Get this. I wasn't able to accomplish anything substantial because of that shitty rally that happened Friday morning. A colleague of mine was terrified of what can possibly happen --- she's a mother of two, that's why. Then again, I couldn't help but feel frustrated about the sorry state of the very place I am living in --- and with Gabe at that. Don't we all work our asses off, day in and day out, much to the dismay of the party animals in us (mine is non-existent anymore, fyi)? And yet, you get this. You get someone who at first tells the whole world that she will not run again for the presidency (only to say otherwise later on), this very same person who flatly denies any involvement in the election scam (only to appear on national television to admit that indeed, she was in it and such manifestation was saying sorry) and, as if these were all not enough to feel losers ourselves, she declares this thing called state of emergency, saying something like the country is in a clear and present danger (how creative! I'm sure she watched that movie in HBO the night before the EDSA rally for added inspiration). For whatever it's worth, the only emergency I felt was for me to go home as soon as I can for fear that I may not be able to do so because of the throng of rallyists filling up the streets of Ayala. Was that the clear and present danger she was talking about?! As far as I am concerned, the next thing I did after seeing the police use water canons to get rid of the poor rallyists was to surf the net and check out the next possible thing: migrate! Don't blame it on us middle class people if we choose to leave this place because nothing is ever gonna happen here. Sure, 10 or 15 years from now something will, but I am just not about to wait that long.

Happy First

2006-02-23T13:28:00.000+08:00

This is the result of the following certainties: bored * lazy * procrastinating * lunch break * surfing * inspired * anticipating * haven't finished studying * stressed at work * doesn't know what to do with what I have to do anymore * sleepy * wanting to do something different * uneasiness * newness * from feeling A to feeling Z and all things between.

Damn. Rain started pouring just now. The lazy in me would really want to cancel the 330pm happening this afternoon! Ugh... plus the fact that I have a major quiz later at 6pm. Double ugh.

Here's to a fruitful relationship with my blog. If this beats my 14 year old partnership with my planner, I'd really consider scuba diving (yep - haven't overcome that fear yet).

:-)